


The Water And The Woods

by Finn4



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:54:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25166539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finn4/pseuds/Finn4
Summary: After Peeta Mellark drowns within minutes of the opening battle of the Quarter Quell, the Citizens of Panem revolt and demand that President Snow release the remaining Victors and put a stop to the Games. Feeling pressure from his own citizens, the  Victors are released, but not freed. And Katniss Everdeen returns to District Four without Peeta, where Gale Hawthorne is waiting for her to build a new life together.
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Finnick Odair, Katniss Everdeen/Gale Hawthorne
Comments: 65
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nashville12](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nashville12/gifts).



Coming back to Four without Peeta feels like giving birth but not having a baby. All of this expectation about what this should feel like, and now it’s just....empty. I don’t even know all of the actions that have transpired in returning me home because I have been numb for two days. At least, I think it’s been two days.

I feel it in the eyes on me as I walk to the Victor’s Village.

_ How could you? _

_ You just let him die? _

_ You couldn’t save him? _

_ How dare you come back alone. _

I feel it. I see the whispers. And I now they are right. As soon as we rose into that arena and we’re surrounded by water. I knew Snow meant to kill him. Peeta couldn’t swim. Couldn’t tread water. Probably couldn’t float. Not many in Twelve could. 

I should have gone for him myself instead of asking Finnick Odair, someone I barely knew and sure as hell didn’t trust, to do it for me. And he let him drown.

And here I am. Wishing it had been me.

As I get closer to the house I stay in now, the one I refuse to call a home because it will never be - especially now - I see him.

Gale. 

I think I start crying right away and shortly after that I’m running. Towards him. Away from everything else. He stands from the stoop and starts walking towards me until we crash somewhere in the middle.

“Hey, Katnip...” he whispers into my hair and I smile for the first time in a long time. His arms are so strong around me. So different than Peeta. I loved Peeta. But I protected Peeta. At all costs.

Like Gale does for me. When I’m with Gale I’m not worried about my safety. I don’t have to be. He has always had my back and I know he has it now. Like how he can sense the crowd growing around us and he takes my hand and leads me inside.

“Let’s get the hell outta here...” he mutters as he shoots his dark eyes into the crowds of people more interested in gossip than someone in actual mourning.

We get inside and he closes the door. The house is so still. So calm. So...empty. I know he doesn’t know what to say to me. But Gale has always known when to talk and when to be quiet. And in this moment he is quiet. He sits on the long blue tufted couch and I lay next to him. My head on his lap, my body curled into fetal position. He wraps his arms around me and strokes my hair and I want to melt into him.

“I’m so glad they got you out of there. You should have seen it. They actually televised it. Probably had to so Snow could justify actually calling it all off. But people went crazy. Literally stormed the damn place. Demanding he let everyone go. It was...crazy. I’m just...well...I’m sorry those cowards didn’t stand up to him two hours earlier. That’s all.”

I roll until I’m looking up at him.

“Do you mean that?” Gale has no real love for Peeta. I know that. He tolerated him for my sake but I knew he wished he would disappear. And now, he has. He’s gone. Gale leans over me, his tough fingers still in my hair.

“Of course I mean that. Look, he meant something to you I can’t ever mean. You went in there together and I knew you’d come out together. It made sense. I know you loved him and I wish I could take that pain from you. I do.”

I sit up from his lap and throw my arms around him, wrapping them tightly around his neck as he scoops his into my lower back.

“But I love you, too. Ok? Don’t forget it. One of us is still here.” He whispers but there is force and strength behind it. There’s nothing soft about Gale. And I don’t wish there to be. If Peeta was my heart, Gale is my backbone. I can’t survive without either one. But I know he will help me try. 

I pull back from him and look into his matching set of coal black eyes. 

“I know that.” I close my lips gently against his, like I am somehow sealing a promise to him with them. He runs his hand up my back and into my hair, grabbing a fistful and turning my head to deepen our kiss. He pushes his tongue into mine and for a moment I welcome it before I feel...it’s too much. And too soon. I press my hands against his chest and create space.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers as he strokes the side of my face, “I just...really thought I’d never see you again. You know?”

“I know.” I fold back into his chest and lay my head on his heart. It pounds just like mine. I stroke his chest through his shirt lightly with my hand. I will be happy here someday. Gale has always just made sense to me. If I had never gone to the Games this is where we would have been. Just another couple from The Seam trying to keep our family alive...but we always succeed. Our hunting skills are matched and we would have...and will be...just fine.

And if there was a time I craved more: love, passion, someone who excited me and didn’t feel like a comfortable old pair of shoes....I don’t crave that now. Now...just fine is all I need. Alive is all I need.

“Will you stay here? With me?” I ask him gently knowing already what his answer will be.

“You know I will. Whatever you need, Katnip. You’re gonna be ok.”

I let a few tears fall because he makes me really believe it. But still as I close my eyes I’m seeing the horrors of even two hours in that arena. Of the days leading up to it.

Cinna.

I still wake at night seeing them beat him to death as a loud and clear calling card to me from Snow: do NOT help Katniss Everdeen or you will be killed. I realize two things. There are things I have witnessed and felt and been subjected to that Gale Hawthorne will never understand. Horrors I will never be able to share. And two...the very act of loving me enough to protect me is merit enough to get him killed. 

I should leave now and spare him the trouble.I entertain it for a moment before the all too familiar clap of Panem broadcasts come beaming into the television behind us. We both sit at attention. My heart drops into my lap and I don’t want to watch but I can’t stop.

Snow. Of course, Snow. Gale grabs my hand and I squeeze it. Hard. 

_ “Citizens of Panem. I come to you tonight humbled by the outpouring of sympathy and support the citizens of our Capitol have shown to their Victors in the days since the Quarter Quell. You know that I have always been a fair and compassionate president and your needs and wants do not go unheard...” _

“Bull-fucking-shit” Gale interrupts as if he has read my mind.

_ “...I have heard your concerns and taken them into account and obviously halted the Games when our citizens, our neighbors and friends, became overwhelmed with guilt and grief at the idea of losing their very own Victors. Our idols. The citizens we value most for feats of incredible bravery and skill. Those people who, while we honor them for the blessings they bring to their districts, we must remember...they pay a price we all agreed to....” _

“I’m not watching any more of this shit...we all agreed to be slaughtered like animals? Fuck this guy...” Gale goes to stand but I hold him next to me. I, for one, can not look away. He wouldn’t understand that.

_“...as an offering of peace to the citizens who felt that these games betrayed the arrangement made with our former Victors and tributes, we will be hosting all surviving Victors for a week of celebration right here in the City Center. And we will give the people of Panem, and the citizens of the Capitol, a chance to see and celebrate them. To make...amends...and we will postpone this years Quarter Quell in lieu of this celebration. But make no mistake. Next year, we must continue to remind the Districts the high cost of peace. The payments that must be made for threatening the safety of an entire_ _country...but for now. We celebrate. Our Victors. Their accomplishments. The lives that have been sacrificed...”_

“You’re not going....” Gale shouts at me as if I made the rule myself but my ears and eyes are both so full I can hardly see or hear. 

“Gale. Stop.”

_ “And finally, on behalf of all of Panem. I wish to extend my very deepest condolences to our very own Katniss Everdeen, who is no doubt feeling this loss deeper than all of us. My dear, our hearts go out to you, and we look forward to having you back...in The Capitol...where you belong. With...your people.” _

And the screen is blank. I swear the screen blacking our coincides perfectly with a pounding on the door. It’s not locked so it quickly flies open.

Haymitch. Barely able to stand. Stinking of alcohol. We both stand at the sight of him. He’s clinging to the door as he yells.

“Can you believe this shit???”

I have to go back. Not to the arena, per se, but to a bigger one. The Capitol is no different than the games. Moving pieces to a puzzle...avoiding snares...losing loved ones. Cinna’s death taught me that. And I’d rather be in an arena where I knew what the rules were. 

Gale is fuming.

“They can’t make you go. What are they gonna do?!”

“Kill you.” I interrupt him. Deadpan. I’m surprised he even hears me but he must because he stops.

“They will kill you. My mother. Prim. They can make me go. There is no ending the games or cancelling the Quarter Quell. The arena just changed. And Snow knows it.”

Gale doesn’t speak. I catch Haymitch looking at me and he knows.

I am right.

“At least I am going in with you this time. And I’ve got nothing to lose. Gale you’re gonna have to learn to control that temper. It won’t be a whipping in the square this time, it’ll be dismemberment in the City Center. And she’ll have to watch....” he points at me and I feel sick. Not just at the idea of it, but the fact that he is not wrong.

Gale nods. His nostrils flare which is always his tell tale sign. But he nods. 

“When do we have to go?” I whisper to Haymitch.

“I put a call into some of the other teams. See what they know. Finnick was gonna try to reach out to some people and see what he could piece together.”

Finnick Odair. I’ll have to see him again.

“Of course Finnick would know what’s going on. He always seems to doesn’t he? I guess being Snow’s favorite has its perks.” I hiss at Haymitch and he steps into me.

“First of all, he sent Finnick back into that arena, too, so don’t think you have this all figured out. And everyone knows you’re Snow’s favorite, sweetheart.”

“He let Peeta die. He watched him drown...”

I shout at Haymitch. How dare he defend him. 

“Things aren’t always what they seem and you should know that more than anyone, pretending to mourn someone you only loved to try to get ahead.”

I don’t know where it comes from but I hit him. Hard. Right across the face. A cross between a slap and a punch. And he spins away from me. 

“You need to get out of here. Now.” Gale is at my side. Between Haymitch and I. And without a word Haymitch turns and leaves. Slamming the door behind him.

“I don’t care what they do to me, Katniss, I’m not letting you go back. Don’t make me. I let you go. Twice. I don’t wanna do it again....”

His voice is breaking and he can’t look at me. My eyes fill. I know deep down this is more dangerous than anything else but I can’t let him know that. I need him to be ok with me leaving so he doesn’t pop off at some peacekeeper and get himself shot.

I reach up at stroke the side of his face. 

“Take me upstairs?” I ask him gently, shyly, wondering if he knows what I’m thinking or why.

“Katniss?...” he asks pleadingly like he is trying to make sure he is understanding me. I can tell from the heat on his cheeks that he is. I nod gently.

“I want it to be you and I want it to be now. Before I go. It’s always been you, Gale. I just...I need this...we need this, before I go....”

He leans in to kiss me. He whispers that he loves me. And I know he does. But I can’t say it back. He pulls me into his strong arms and carries me up the stairs as I pull my shoes off.

In my mind I’m preparing for two things.

To lose myself into making love to Gale.

And to come up with a plan to kill Finnick Odair in The Capitol.


	2. Chapter 2

It hurt. Being with Gale. And not because of anything he did right or wrong. It was just...well it was like I had imagined it being. Rough and gritty and quiet and earnest. I know Gale loves me but he doesn’t know what that is supposed to look like. To him looks like protecting me, claiming me...so him making love to me felt just like that: he was claiming me as his own and he would be protecting me now for the rest of my life. We both knew it. I winced when I felt him come inside me. I wasn’t sure why at the time but I think it was the implication that it meant I could get pregnant. By Gale. 

And I wasn’t there yet.

It helped though. It seemed to relax us both in the coming days. Even as the prep team arrived and polished me, Gale just stood by my side. He was in the house, checking on me...on my family...dutifully asking how I was, what I needed. And all I needed was him. When I would feel a pang if guilt or fear or worry I would look to him and his dark eyes would calm me immediately. Almost like, he could hypnotize me with them. I need him. And I think he needs me, too.

But as we are getting ready to leave I realize I’m not ready. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave him. He senses it.

“Hey, hey...come here....” I’m forcefully shoving some personal belongings into a bag as the team swirls to leave. He turns me and holds my attention. I steady in his arms.

“You’re gonna be alright. Look, they couldn’t break you in that arena. They aren’t gonna break you now. You do what you do best. You survive. And if you need me there I’ll be there. They are doing a lottery in the districts to choose people to go to this fucking shit show. Anyway, I talked to Haymitch and...well...I can get my name on that list. So you need me? You’ve got me. I promise you. Alright?”

I feel this immediate wash of relief and I smile at him through tear filled eyes.

I should tell him that I love him. But I don’t. Effie is tugging me from him, pulling me out of the house. The walk to the train and the ride to The Capitol are a blur. All I can think of...is Peeta. How wrong this all feels. How I think If he were with me...I wouldn’t be scared.

I close my eyes to try to pass the time. But my waking dreams are all of Peeta. I see him. In the water. I can’t get to him. We rose into the arena on opposite sides of it and I am moving as fast as I can around the cornucopia to get to him but Finnick stops me. He stops me and wastes precious seconds I don’t have to try to convince me to trust him. I don’t. When he sees my eyes fall desperately on Peeta in the water he tells me to take out the careers while he rescues Peeta. I watch him dive into the water. Against my better judgement. I’m attacked from behind so I turn and fire off two arrows. By the time I turn back around it’s just in time to see Finnick Odair thrust his trident into the water and Peeta is gone. He’s just....gone. 

“Hey....”

Haymitch shakes me from my living nightmare and sits next to me by the window. My nose hurts from the stink of booze.

“We need to have a little plan here....”

“A plan?” I ask. I have no idea what this week will hold so I should I know what to plan for?

“Yeah, a plan...” he retorts, “look you and I both know this isn’t just some parade the peacocks around play nice gesture of kindness. Snow is posturing for something I just don’t know what...so I want you to stay close. Trust me. Trust the people I ask you to trust....”

“Like Finnick Odair??” 

He swallows hard.

“Look, Finnick let us both down. Don’t think I don’t know it. Don’t think he doesn’t know it. But you gotta start figuring out who the real enemy is here, sweetheart, if you want out of this thing alive.”

I roll my eyes and look back out the window just in time to see the Capitol appear. As I rise from my seat so does the bile in my stomach. 

I’m in a form fitting shiny black leather pencil dress that starts just above my breasts and ends at the floor. Some kind of combination of a stick of dynamite and a mourning gown. I hate it. I can’t breathe.

There is a red carpet and giant tents with throngs of people that await Haymitch and I at the City Center. He steadies me (which is laughable since he can barely walk) and we make our way into a large ballroom. I hear them announcing us and the crowd goes wild. I look up only long enough to see my face and Haymitch’s on a giant screen for the citizens to view a live feed of all of their favorite toys coming out to play.

We arrive in the ballroom and I see him immediately. He’s impossible to miss. A large crowd of old and new money surround him and he kisses hands and gives winks as if he didn’t just slaughter an innocent person days ago. But that is also nothing new to him. He’s a career. Famous for volunteering at 14. Volunteering. To slaughter countless other people...and win. He finishes one drink and is handed another with barely a chance to breathe in between. He laughs. How can he laugh? I picture taking his drink glass, breaking it, and using the rough edge of a shard of glass to slit his throat and watch him bleed out all over his pretty white shirt.

“Katniss....you remember Mags...”

Haymitch breaks me from my spell. I shake the image off. I turn and see the small frame of the only woman I did trust in that arena. 

Mags Flanagan. She’s smiling silently and she reaches up to cup my cheeks with both hands. She looks beautiful. Like an ancient sea witch with her white hair and her aqua caftan hanging off of her like scales. I can see that she used to be breathtaking before this world aged her so quickly. She is smiling but it is filled with sadness. She nods at me and I nod back. She’s mourning Peeta. I thank her for that. 

She looks over to Finnick and her face drops. She looks angry. Like I am angry. But also just...sad. She points a crooked finger at him several times, then she turns back to me. She closes her hand over my heart. Pressing on me hard. She shakes her head no. Pressing on my chest and then pointing at Finnick Odair. She does this several times. I’m confused. She is frustrated.

“I’m sorry, Mags. I don’t know what you need me to do....” 

She looks around frantically and I’m staring at Finnick so hard that he senses it and his eyes drift from the blue haired woman holding his attention...to me.

His eyes. I can’t breathe for a moment and it’s like they are looking right inside me. He excuses himself and pushes through his adoring throng to move towards me. Mags is watching this all transpire. 

He can’t come over here. Not now. I can’t kill him with Mags right here. 

But he only makes it about half way before a Peacekeeper grabs his arm. I arch an eyebrow. Squinting to read his lips and find out just how in bed with the Capitol this golden boy is.

“Nooooo” Mags bellows. The first sound she has made in my presence. She all but leaps from my side, her blue frock blowing behind her as she scurries towards him. Repeating a loud, muffled, baffling wail of a simple: no.

Finnick watches her. Pulling against the strong hold the Peacekeeper has on his arm. He breaks free from him just as Mags reaches him and grabs both of his forearms. She is frantic. Shaking her head no so hard that a beautiful golden shell falls from her hair and shatters on the ground.

“Mags, please.” I read his lips as he talks to her, still smiling that almost grotesque smile of his. But she still insists. Blurting no, swatting at the Peacekeeper.

“Oh shit here we go already...” Haymitch appears from behind me and I barely hear his words as he makes his way to Mags. I see Finnick catch his eye and something goes unsaid between them. Haymitch pulls Mags from him. She is still protesting but Haymitch whispers to her and she calms.

“I’ll be alright. It’ll be alright. Please don’t cry.” I am reading Finnick’s words to her which is hard to do with his smile but he’s trying to calm her down even as they are pulling him from the room.

What is happening?!

It becomes clear to me that these Victor’s have a rhythm that I don’t know yet. They know each other. They stand for each other. No wonder Haymitch drinks. What have these mentors all seen?

I watch as Haymitch takes Mags to a chair and gets her a water. She is regaining her composure. Maybe they are taking him somewhere to kill him. Is that how this works? They pick us off one by one? They just got to him first?

“I see you haven’t been fully initiated yet...” I hear a familiar voice from behind me and I turn to see Johanna Mason. The Victor from Seven. Wearing more clothes than the last time I saw her.

“Well don’t just stare at me, you can say hello. I won’t bite, I’m not Enobaria.”

I just stare at her. 

I turn back from her towards Haymitch and Mags. She scoffs.

“Fuck. Odair is back five minutes and they already have him working”

I turn to her slowly. This information could help me build the case that will absolve me of any guilt for how I feel about Finnick Odair.

“He works for the Capitol?” I whisper like it’s a secret. She laughs at me. She’s a real bitch.

“Jesus Christ was I ever this naive? Yes. He works for The Capitol. A real sweet gig, too. Maybe you’ll get lucky. See ya ‘round.”

She practically knocks me over as she leaves. I feel the air getting heavy. I am lost here. No Peeta. No Gale. These career Victors who all have some secret club that I’m not a part of. I’m trapped between two worlds. And the only thing that makes any sense is Gale. I charge at Haymitch. Whatever I have to do to get him here...I need to do it fast.

Because I am losing my mind.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time I cross the room to Haymitch he is surrounded, and I have spent my whole evening dodging crowds so I am not about to dive head first into one. The room is flanked by multiple sets of French doors and I have a clear path to one. So I take it.

It dumps me into a hallway just as fancy but not half as populated as the ballroom. I walk as fast as I can in the confines of my too tight dress and wonder if somehow I can find an empty room with a phone or someway to try to reach Gale. I know it is a hopeless cause but I need a mission so I don’t just waste away in that room. None of those people know me or have any interest in trying to help me. In that moment it seemed even Haymitch was too busy to settle me in his usual, unappetizing way.

I reach an atrium of sorts and catch my breath, glancing down three new hallways and wondering which one provides me a better chance of hiding. Knowing by this point I couldn’t possibly have gone undetected in these halls. A peacekeeper is making his way towards me so I just lower my head and try to look like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Sure, Katniss. But as he approaches me he just...keeps walking. We even make eye contact and he keeps walking. 

And I recognize him. He had just escorted Finnick from the ballroom. I shoot a glance back down the hall at the cracked door he had just left and I know he has to be in there. 

I may not be equipped to kill him right now but I am sure as hell going to let him know I intend to and wipe that smug grin off of his face with the memories of Peeta and the things he stole from me. 

I approach the room and push the door open. It’s small but elegant. Oversized red bed. Heavy, drawn drapes. One tall backed chair and a table with a tray of drinks. Where is he? I hear the sink running and shoot a glance towards it. His back is to me and he is throwing back a fistful of pills and washing them down his throat with a handful of water from the sink before shutting it off and swallowing hard. His hands gripping the pedestal sink and then looking into the mirror.

He sees me.

He spins and quickly wipes his mouth. As if I would be surprised that he’s using drugs. His face is awash with panic and worry and anger and concern and haste. He knows I have every intention of killing him but it does surprise me that he doesn’t even pretend to keep his cool.

“Katniss what they hell are you doing here??” He’s moving through the room like a cat and he has my arm before I even realize he has taken it. He’s walking me towards the door.

“We need to talk.” 

He sighs briefly.

“Yeah, we do. But it can’t be right now.” 

He is desperate to shake me and I am desperate to shake his touch. I pull my arm from him.

“Why did you do it? Why kill Peeta? He was no threat to you.”

Finnick is glancing out the door, not even listening to me and I see his face go white. He rolls his head back into his shoulders in exasperation. He doesn’t even care.

He pushes the door shut and takes me so hard by the arm it hurts, pulling me into him.

“I didn’t fucking kill Peeta. Look I couldn’t save him but I didn’t kill him.”

“Liar. I saw you.”

He tugs on me, desperate.

“You don’t know what you saw.”

There are voices outside the door and he is in a full blown panic. He starts pushing me into the room, looking around it for a way out. He pulls me so hard I almost trip and he is still dragging me. There are two narrow, dark wood French doors and he pulls them open to reveal a coat closet. He turns to me and his green eyes are glowing black. 

“Listen to me. Hate me all you want. And I know you don’t trust me but you need to trust me right now. You need to stay in here. Face the wall. Do not move. Do not make a sound. Do you understand me?”

“Why should I.....”

“I SAID GET IN THE FUCKING CLOSET ANS DO NOT COME OUT. Do not open the door. Don’t even look. GOD DAMNIT, can you just promise me? Look. I’ll tell you all about Peeta but right now you need to get in this closet.” 

He’s terrified and I’m pretty sure I should be, too. I get in the closet, push myself between two heavy thick fur coats and watch him close the door. The double doors leave a crack that light streams through so I am careful to quietly move out of it. He sits on the bed and runs his fingers through his hair, breathing deep...his eyes closed. He told me to not even watch but at this point I’m afraid turning around would make noise. I hear someone enter the room. I can only see a sliver of it, where he sits on the bed. And he smiles and moves from my sight. I hear talking but I can’t make our the words. His voice. A woman’s voice.

Suddenly a tall, stunningly beautiful woman sits on the bed where he just was. Her black skin is glowing unnaturally and her nails and hair are painted an electric green that almost hurts to look at. He sits next to her and starts kissing her neck as she reaches into her cleavage and produces a bottle. She covertly slips it into his hand, which is laying palm open on her lap. He closes it and then she turns into him, sucking the skin on his neck and his ear. I hold my breath. She’s whispering to him and I am desperate to hear what she is saying. I watch as his hand moves up her leg and into her dress. I have to cover my mouth. I want to close my eyes but I can’t. She opens her knees and I see her nakedness under her skirt. His hand moves to her and his fingers are inside her and I finally pinch my eyes shut. But she is whispering louder now and I can almost make it out. I open my eyes and try to block out the parts I don’t want to see. She’s alternating between moaning loudly and shouting for him and then quieting herself and whispering into his ear. I study his face. This woman is in the throes of passion, writhing all over his hand as his pushes it into her. But Finnick? His eyes are cold. He’s staring at the wall, just taking in the words she is saying to him. He nods occasionally. 

She comes. It’s loud and vulgar and he encourages her as she does. I notice him look up a few times as if he knows they are being watched. By me? By someone else? She’s rolling around next to him, he holds her and she slinks into his arms. 

“It’s good. I’m done. Thank you.”

Her voice is sultry and almost like a song. She pulls his hand from her and kisses it before gently resting it on his lap.

“I’m sorry. I know it’ll be a long night,” she whispers to him and kisses his forehead. He still looks....dead inside, “ I hope it’s not too bad. Do you need anything else?”

He shakes himself back into his smile.

“You’ve already done plenty. Thank you. For everything.”

He shakes the small vial in his hand. Pills. I’m trying hard to piece him together. Drug deals for sex? I mean I knew I didn’t like him but this is worse than I thought. The woman stands and straightens herself before disappearing from my sight...but I hear her wish him good luck. I expect him to come retrieve me but he doesn’t. Just sinks into his knees on the bed, his head in his hands, fingers in his hair. He opens the bottle and takes two of whatever she gave him before tucking the bottle into his boot as he pulls it off. I’m about to push the doors open when I hear someone else enter the room and I cover my mouth again. I see him briefly glance at me. For just a moment. Then he’s gone from the bed. It feels like forever. I hear noise. Giggling maybe. But I can’t see. 

Suddenly two naked women who are tangled up in each other move across my thin line of sight and I hear the clanging of glasses and fluid and ice. Then after several minutes they are both in the bed. Naked. Touching each other, rolling on and off each other. 

“Finnick don’t keep us waiting. It’s rude...” 

One yells and they both giggle. And then he appears. Not a stitch of clothing. Practically dives into the bed between them. It’s a pile of touching and groping and licking. I see one of them take a hold of his cock and pull him roughly until the other one’s mouth is on him. I push my eyes closed. Suddenly there is a man’s voice. He joins them on the bed and luckily there are so many of them and I can see very little. But it quickly turns from giggling and laughing to yelling and shouting and it’s rough and hard and looks more like a battle than sex. They are loud enough that I think I can manage to turn around and not be heard. Because as this mountain of a man positions himself behind Finnick as these two wasted nymphos hold him down, I’m pretty sure I have seen enough.

I hum to myself to try to drown out the noise and I want to throw up. I would if I thought I could do it silently.

“TIME’S UP.”

I hear a loud male voice enter the room and it quiets almost immediately. The giggling girls continue to make cooos and ahhhhs. One of them begs Finnick for more time. I turn and see them licking and pawing at him. And that face. It’s back. Cold. Detached. Annoyed. He adjusts his smile and says he hopes he sees them again. They kiss his cheeks and the man that brought them pulls them from the bed and they are gone.

“Twenty minutes. Snow needs all the Victor’s back in the ballroom so get yourself cleaned up.”

The other voice, a peacekeeper I presume, leaves as well and the door clicks shut loudly.

I watch as he slinks of the bed, almost limping and disappears from my view. The bathroom door shuts. 

I take a few solid breaths and then push the closet door open. The room is trashed. Bottles of wine. Broken glass. Sheets on the floor and not the bed. I should probably just let myself out but I’m terrified to. So I stand frozen watching the bathroom door. How do I look at him?

The answer is I don’t. But he won’t look at me either. He comes out from the bathroom, fully dressed, face clean, hair presentable. Even has his shoes on. He doesn’t take the room in at all. Just takes a still full glass from the table and shoots it down his throat. He swallows hard and then hisses. Our eyes meet for just a second but I look away quickly. He puts his hand on the small of my back and pushes the door open.

I’m speechless. I must look like I’ve seen a ghost but I swear the moment we leave the room his is smiling and charming. Waving at people we pass. But he’s not fooling me because I’m close enough to him to feel his pulse and it’s racing. From the nerves? From the sex? I wouldn’t know. But clearly that was not his first rodeo. We stop, just short of the ballroom, and he turns to me.

“Thank you.”

He is whispering and it’s earnest.

“Thank me? For what??” I whisper back and I have no idea what he possibly has to be grateful to me for.

“For trusting me to stay in that closet. I’m sorry you had to see that,” he hangs his head and searches the floor like he is hoping to find words there, “you would have done anything to keep Peeta alive right?”

“Anything.” I feel myself seething at the sound of Peeta’s name on his lips.

“I do what I have to do to keep my people alive.”

He’s staring through me again. I wonder if it’s possible to even try to keep a secret from him, but his face is chilling and alarming. I pull my arm from him. 

“You owe me that talk....”

I growl at him, unsympathetic even as I start to register that there is more to him than I am seeing. 

“I do.” He nods.

I’ve already dropped his arm so he floats effortlessly from me and into the ballroom. Mags spots him right away and makes a bee line for him. She has resolved herself not to cry. I know this because I have seen that look on her face, when I look in the mirror. But she flings her arms around him and strokes his hair and face. Her expression painted with sympathy. She mothers him. He accepts it only for a minute before flagging down a drink. I see Johanna Mason cross to him. They whisper for a moment and then her brown eyes are pointed on me. With a look of regret or anger or vitriol, I can’t tell. But I get a real sense she knows I was in that room. And what I saw. 

I look away.

“Been looking for you....”

Haymitch is suddenly at my side, even drunker than when I left him.

“Sorry, I...I needed some air....”

“Sweetheart remember when I asked you to stick with me? Yeah well I sorta meant that. You don’t need to be getting into more trouble than we are already in. So...I’m keeping you on a tight leash.”

My heart sinks a little. 

“What kind of trouble are we already in?”

He takes a drink and swirls the ice in his glass as he swallows it. His eyes look up and land on Finnick: right back to being the center of attention like some kind of royalty. 

“I’m hoping Finnick has some idea before the night is over.”

I chuckle. I can’t help myself. I think it’s the sheer anxiety I have been feeling and the things I just saw but I laugh. Awkwardly. He stares at me like I have lost my mind. 

I have. 

“Oh my God if we are placing our lives in his hands we are fucked. And I mean that in every way possible!” Haymitch shoots me a side eye the likes of which I have never seen from him.

“What the hell is that supposed to even mean? Look, he did everything he could to save Pee....”

“I’m not talking about Peeta. I just...saw him....I can’t even say it. But I don’t think he’s the person you think he is.”

Haymitch slams the rest of his drink and sits the empty glass down on a nearby table. No, slams the empty glass down on a nearby table. His hands rub his temples. He moves too close to me and whispers in my ear.

“You ever think for one second that he’s not the person YOU think he is? Or maybe that he IS the person Mags thinks he is? For once this isn’t all about you sweetheart. Straighten up. Or you won’t make it.”

His voice is quiet but so, so firm. I feel scolded and he walks away from me. My face is hot with anger and embarrassment as my eyes find Finnick. Still talking. Smiling. Drinking. Then I see her...the tall woman in green. She is slinking towards him and he notices her, too. But she walks right past him like they have never seen each other.

Or does she.

I’m watching them closely as I see her casually walk behind him. He opens his palm against his back and as she barely grazes him she passes a small, rolled and tied piece of paper. I only see it for a moment before, like some magician, Finnick slides it discreetly into his pocket and raises his hand to have another drink.

There is an announcement that the Victor’s will all be introduced. I’ve pissed Haymitch off so he doesn’t bother with me. Instead I slink toward the center of the room, where a long staircase leads to a grand stage in the city center. Where they will present us to the people of The Capitol and lucky few peasants they let join the party. 

I’m walking alone in a trance when I feel a warm hand take mine. 

It’s Mags.

She smiles up and me and places her hand on my heart, nodding gently. I’m so glad to have her by my side. We all line up. It’s so loud. I can’t hear. Can’t breathe. Can’t see. Then I hear my name. I’ve heard it hollered all night but this is different. I know the voice. My eyes fly open and I’m scanning the crowd. Desperate.

Gale.

He has pushed his way to the side of the stairs.

“It’s ok!” He shouts up to me. He forces a smile like only he can. I mouth the words “thank you” and try not to cry. He knew I needed him and he is here. I didn’t have to ask.

Finnick Odair joins us and helps Mags up the stairs. I feel embarrassed that I was lost in my own nonsense and didn’t think to help her. Haymitch was right about me. I’m selfish. But I’ve earned the right to be. 

We help Mags from either side. I watch him with her. Warm and gentle. So different from the ballroom. And worlds different from the bedroom.

Peeta was my heart.  
Gale is my backbone.

I need to start figuring out exactly where Finnick Odair fits into my life, or he doesn’t get to stay in it.


	4. Chapter 4

Being presented to the people of Panem has always felt like a lie and a sham. Everyone knows better. We are all just sacrificial lambs dressed up in pretty clothes and glowing makeup to hide the irreconcilable damage they are doing to us. To all of us.

But to do this without Peeta feels worse. It feels empty. But I also have so much less to lose now. 

I see Gale threading through the crowd, keeping his eyes on me. I try my best to not lose him. After they introduce us they announce that tomorrow there will be opportunities for them to witness us at our finest. Whatever that means. I can only imagine. This week cannot pass fast enough. As they conclude the evening and encourage everyone to travel safely home I can’t help but wonder what that means for Gale. 

Or me.

We are all hastily pushing down the stairs where we expect to be filled in on what the days ahead of us might hold. And I lose sight of Gale. I’m back inside and I don’t know how he can get here. I’m trying not to panic in the crowd, but I feel it washing over me as I’m being pushed and shoved by the growing throngs. There’s an arm on my waist and I turn, hoping he’s found me.

It’s Finnick.

I try not recoil since he did just help me keep on my feet. 

“Come with me...”

He’s pulling me gently by the waist.

“Yeah, no thanks....”

He rolls his eyes, half annoyed and half embarrassed. 

“We have your boyfriend....”

My eyes perk up at the word. One, he isn’t my boyfriend but two, if Finnick knows where Gale is I am going with him. So I follow him through the crowd and into a sort of service hallway. I see Gale at the end of it. With Haymitch. I break from Finnick and clumsily move in my dress, eventually kicking off my heels to move faster.

We collide into each other and he kisses me deeply. When he lifts his head it’s not to look at me, it’s to stare down Finnick Odair.

Finnick slowly moves closer, not too close because he knows better, but he is holding my shoes.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Gale spits at him. And I am impressed that Gale is angry at the boy with the trident who killed the boy with the bread. He moves like he is going to charge him for a second before I steady him.

“Not now, Gale.” I whisper.

“First smart thing you’ve said today.” I hear Haymitch under his breath. I glance at Finnick. He’s dropped my shoes and is making his way back to the main room already.

“I’m not leaving you here with people like him. So they can parade you around like meat? Look at this dress. What the hell? You look...your dad would be mortified. I mean, leave that kinda trash to pieces of shit like that guy right there.” 

It’s harsh even for Gale. And without looking I hear Finnick stop and turn. 

“Not the time, Odair.” Haymitch is moving towards us and suddenly I am trapped between three men and three very hot tempers. 

Finnick’s face is seething and I know he’s been drinking all night. And Gale is pretty much always one wrong look away from a fight. Finnick puts his hand on my shoulder and Gale snaps. He pushes me, hard. I stumble against the side of the shallow concrete tunnel. And his hands are on Finnick’s shoulders. With one giant thrust he takes Finnick back off his heels and he stumbles for only a second before landing a solid right hook into Gale’s chin that knocks him right onto his ass.

“Awww Jesus Christ. C’mon, Finnick.” Haymitch is furious.

“Don’t you ever fucking touch her again!” Gale is screaming at him from the floor, fingers playing at the slow trickle of blood from his lip.

“She doesn’t belong to you.” Finnick hisses back, still ready to charge him before I step into him.

“Finnick, don’t.”

“She doesn’t belong to anybody.” He’s yelling at Gale but looking at me and there is subtext there I can’t quite put my fingers on.

“The hell she doesn’t. She belongs with me in The Seam. She paid for that life and now she gets to have it. Not trapped here with freaks like you....”

“Enough, Gale, for fuck’s sake,” Haymitch is shouting and pulling him back, “look, Finnick belongs in Four just like she belongs in Twelve. He’s as much a victim here as she is. As I am. So take it down a damn notch. It’s risky enough you being here without us drawing attention to ourselves with fist fighting. Finnick is trying to help.”

I realize I’ve been looking at Finnick this whole time trying to read his face. I just...can’t. He starts to speak lowly.

“I have a friend. Cressida. There’s a car for you outside. She films for the Capitol. She’s agreed to let you stay there. It’s not far. She comes in and out of The Mansion. She will put you on her crew. But you have to stay quiet about it. Keep drawing attention to to you yourself and you won’t have to worry about me killing you. Snow will do it for me.”

He’s figured out a way to keep Gale close? I can only assume it’s because he feels guilty about Peeta. But I whisper a thank you anyway.

Gale sneers but agrees. I turn to him and we embrace. Long and hard. The way people do when they are sure every time they say goodbye is the last time. He kisses me and tells me to be safe. 

“You keep her safe. See if you can do better than you did for Peeta Mellark.”

Haymitch pulls at him and they walk our together. 

Finnick is staring at them as they leave. He drops his head. 

“I didn’t kill Peeta.”

I don’t say anything because I think deep down I know he is telling me the truth.

“I couldn’t get to him. When we split up, Brutus was on me. I shook him as fast as I could but by the time I saw Peeta...I swam...as hard as I could. Someone was under him I don’t even know who...but they had him by the feet. Pulling him down. I plowed my trident into them, trying to get him loose. But they were too deep. Something under that cornucopia was pulling them both. I sunk it back in hoping he could grab it. I knew if I went under for him I wouldn’t come back out. And I promised Haymitch I’d get you out of there....”

It flows out of him like liquid smoke and I know he’s been needing to absolve himself. I take it in. What he is saying makes...sense. I saw him thrust that trident hard into the water. Twice. I never saw Peeta once Finnick was in the water. My stomach hurts.

“You don’t have to say anything and I don’t expect you to believe me or forgive me. I don’t forgive myself either. But I know if it was me I would want to know the truth. What happened to the person I love. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”

I don’t say anything. I should. But I don’t know what to say. He turns and whispers that he will get me through the back halls to my room so I don’t have to see anyone and I am so grateful. He even picks up my shoes and carries them for me. 

We walk silently through the catacombs. Up an elevator. The familiar halls of the tribute center. As we step off of the elevator, Effie greets us.

“Oh for the love of God I was about to send out the brigades to find you. My dear!” She pulls me into a tight hug against her chest.

“Finnick. Thank you. Someone has to watch over this wild fire at all times now don’t they.” 

He shrugs silently. She looks down at me and smiles as she pinches my cheek.

“Ooooh and I saw you had a visitor. That Gale Hawthorne is truly a magnificent creature isn’t he. Tall...dark...handsome....”

“...asshole...”

Finnick finishes and Effie scoffs.

“Finnick Odair your mouth, with ladies present. I mean to tell you....”

She pulls me from him and towards my room, taking my arm in hers and patting it as she whispers.

“Although he pales in comparison to that merman, doesn’t he? I used to swear Finnick was a muttation because that can’t just occur in nature.”

I blush and chuckle. She enters her room, and mine is directly across the hall. She instructs me to go straight to bed. Once her door closes I look back towards Finnick. He is walking towards me, carrying my shoes. 

“Here. With any luck you won’t have to wear them again.” He hands them to me and I take them. He doesn’t let them go right away and I look up at him. He’s staring at them between us. That vacant look back in us eyes. 

“Thank you.” I whisper. I hope he knows I’m thanking him for several things. He snaps back into reality with me and our eyes meet for an almost uncomfortably long time.

“For what it’s worth...I think you look beautiful in that dress. I’m sorry Gale doesn’t see that.” 

He smiles faintly and lets the shoes go. I watch him as he turns and walks down the hall. I just stand and watch until he disappears into a room at the other end, never looking back but I can tell from the way he walks...he’s as empty as I am.


	5. Chapter 5

So it turns out that what this celebration actually is is just basically letting the public watch us in the training center. That’s all. We are given a schedule. And while yes some of it includes body polishing and “wellness treatments” as well as fancy brunches and dress fittings...we have all also been scheduled to perform in the City Center for the cheering crowds. Today I watched as Johanna swung her axe wildly through bark and lodged it in metal. The crowd cheered at her skills. Chaff lifted vehicles over his head. 

We are circus animals. That’s all we are.

And today I have a special one on one with the ringmaster himself. When I return to my room after a lunch I slept walk through I see two peacekeepers outside my door and I know Snow is already there waiting for me. It’s strange. I detest and fear him all at once, but now? I just don’t care what he wants from me or for me.

And it turns out...it’s a lot.

“Katniss Everdeen...the girl on fire...how are you holding up? I do hope that this celebration provides you a distraction from your grief.” He stands to greet me as he talks and gestures to the chair facing him, “please...sit.”

I sit. Stick straight and sweating.

“Katniss your power and popularity never cease to amaze me. I think that we could learn a lot from each other. To help each other. If we promise not to lie and not to hide who we really are....”

“What do you want?”

I interrupt him more forcefully that I should have.

He begins explaining to me that there is a price to be paid for being a Victor. That the fame and the fortune and the safety create a debt to the Capitol. One that apparently he doesn’t think we paid in the arena. It’s vile. 

“Katniss Everdeen you are different. Special. What happened in that arena was truly tragic....”

“I thought we promised not to lie,” I interrupt, “you wanted Peeta dead, it was no great tragedy.”

I hiss at him and he smiles, licking his red lips. 

“That’s quite right. The only thing more powerful than you and Peeta is you mourning him. So I’d like for you to be a liaison to the Districts between now and the next games. Remind them what we need from them. Show them every day the price that must be paid. Show them what the Capitol bestows on those, like yourself, who play by the rules.” 

He smiles. He knows that isn’t me.

“Peeta played by the rules and you killed him anyway.”

Snow laughs.

“I don’t make the games I just watch them. Your friend Finnick Odair may have some more insight.”

I’m silent. There something about his tone that unsettles me. Nearly unhinges me.

He explains that at the end of the week I will return to Twelve, but that I will be traveling the Districts beginning the following week. One week of service to the Capitol and one week of the peaceful life he owes me. Back and forth. For a year. And it is so very clearly not up for discussion.

And what choice do I have? I think of Gale. How I will have to fight with him weekly to let me go. I think of Peeta. How he won’t be there to get me through the nightmares of traveling on behalf of President Snow.

And I think of Finnick. How he said he does whatever it takes to keep his people safe. I guess this is about to become my ‘whatever it’s takes’ and it could be worse. 

I sit stone faced as he rises to leave. He presses on my shoulder as he passes me. Thanking me for such great and fearless service to the Capitol.

“I am very much looking forward to your performances this week...”

The feel of his hand on my body makes my flesh ache and crawl and I close my eyes hard and wait for him to disappear. I hear the door click closed behind me and I let the tears I have been fighting escape. It actually feels so good to cry. I bask in it only for a moment.

I open my eyes and look around this massive room and I miss Peeta so hard it aches. My body aches. My instinct is to run to him and I can’t. I think about trying to find Gale and I can’t. 

So why is it that now all I can think about is Finnick and if he can really help me the way Haymitch claims he will. Did he really try to save Peeta? Why is he helping to keep Gale here for me? Why isn’t Mags as repulsed by him as I am. 

Mags. Mags can help. I need to find Mags. And I know who can help me do that.

I open my door and scan the hallway. No one seems to be monitoring us at the time and if they were...I’m not going far.I walk quickly down the hall to the room I know Finnick has been in. I knock softly. No answer. I knock loudly. Still no answer.

“Damnit.” I mutter, and then a hand finds my shoulder. I jump and turn, almost falling over. 

Mags. 

I want to hug her but I force myself to keep some distance. She smiles but it’s guarded. She’s sad. She looks over my shoulder at Finnick’s door and then shakes her head ‘no’. 

“He not here?”

She shakes no again.

“I was actually looking for you...”

Her eyes light a bit and she takes my hand, walking me across the hall to her room. She opens the door and lets me inside. She has all the screens in her room turned to display the ocean and for a brief moment I really believe that’s where I am until I realize Mags has just manipulated Capitol magic. She taps me on the shoulder and makes a gesture like she is drinking tea, complete with her pinky in the air. I smile.

“Yes, please.”

She holds up a finger and gestures to some velvety chairs that surround a table. I sit. I’m taking in her room which is not at all unlike mine, but I’m noticing her details. A large bound handmade journal sits not far from me. It’s pages are spilling from it and it’s beautiful. A beautiful sea glass ring sits just beside it. It’s so incredibly and uniquely beautiful that I almost don’t notice that it’s surrounded by pills and ointments and what basically looks like a traveling pharmacy.

Getting old is no picnic, I can’t imagine doing it as a tribute.

She returns to the table and sits a large gold tray down. Two cups of steaming tea. And then sits in the chair just beside me, not across from me like one might expect.

“Thank you,” I take an immediate sip and it burns but I love it. I gesture with a nod towards her medications, “it must be so hard for you...to do all of this.” She looks towards the bottles, takes one on her dainty fingers and then looks back to me. She looks apologetic as she shakes her head no....before pointing towards the door we came in. Finnick’s room is just across the hall.

“Those are Finnick’s?” I ask her intently...proud of myself that I am starting to try to interpret her, “is he...sick?”

I feel this lump rising in the back of my throat. Finnick is the picture of health and, well good bone structure, but you know what I mean. Could he be hiding something like that with all the pills? 

She leans into me and I know she doesn’t want to answer. But she shakes her head a gentle....’no’.

I relax slightly, somehow relieved that he’s maybe just a drug addict. That’s some perspective. But it doesn’t seem like Mags to feed someone’s habit. 

“Mags...do all of the Victors have some price to pay back to the Capitol? Are you paying some price to the Capitol?” She is studying my words. She moves from the table like lightning and returns with a pen. She grabs at her journal moving faster than I have seen. She flips it open and I see it filled with her thoughts and words. She finds a blank page and scribbles...

_ What did they make you do?? _

“Nothing. Well. Nothing yet.”

_ What are they asking you to do??  _

She writes quickly in a panic. I’m concerned for her concern.

“Snow asked me to travel. To be his liaison to the districts. Basically to lie to this whole country about how great I think he is. I can’t imagine it. I wish he would just kill me.”

Her body language relaxes but she is still mirroring my tension. She writes a long while and then turns the page to me.

_ You will survive Snow. We are all one family now and we help each other survive these him. He won’t kill you. He saves those exits for the people you love. So that he can manipulate you. So don’t pray for death because it won’t be you who it finds. _

Her words chill me. She sees me shake and tries to still me with a gentle hand.

“You?” I ask quietly. Her eyes fill. She shakes her head sadly and points to the door again. And then hangs her head like she is ashamed.

“Finnick? I don’t understand. I’m sorry.....”

She takes a moment before raising her eyes to meet mine, and then grabs her book. I can feel my heart race as I see tears fall on the browning pages she so fiercely writes on.

She looks it over and I can tell she’s debating showing me so I try to read what I can in case she changes her mind, but then she slowly pushes it towards me.

_ I never had to because Finnick does it for me. He told me you were there. In the room. I’m glad they aren’t asking you to pay the prices he pays. And I’m glad I never had to see it what you saw because I wouldn’t survive it like you did. _

I’m choking on a cry and some nausea and trying to figure out if I understand fully what she is telling me when someone bursts into the room behind me and I jump so hard I stand. Mags does, too.

It’s Finnick. And he is not ok.

Suddenly they move in a swirl of a pattern that is not new to them, and it’s like I am no longer here. She runs to him and he holds out his arms, hands up. She lifts his sleeve and I see it as soon as she does. He wrists are bloody like they’ve been bound. She presses on his back and tries to help him through the room. He winces.They walk right by me and neither of them seem to even see me. I don’t know whether to offer to help or to leave. She lays him on the bed and I think I hear her ask him ‘where else’ but she is so hard to understand. He does though. 

He whispers through his teeth that it’s his back. She makes a movement to scoop up the supplies on the table. She hands him a bottle and he all but inhales some pills from it. She is unbuttoning his shirt and trying to remove it from him and he’s crying. He is trying not to but he is crying. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes once she has it off of him. It looks like they have whipped him and I can’t catch the gasp that escapes my mouth in time. It’s horrible. He spins and sees me.

“What the hell is she doing here, Mags!?”

He’s looking at me but asking her. I am frozen. 

“Get her out.” He turns from me as Mags stands slowly from the bed and walks sheepishly towards me. She takes me dutifully by the hand and walks me towards the door.As she opens it she just presses her hand to my heart and shakes her head as she mouths ‘sorry’. And then she pushes me out of the room and shuts...and locks...the door.

I stand numb for a moment. I came here to her to feel better and now I feel absolutely horrible. Why would they beat Finnick?

I feel sick, and these two people I am slowly starting to trust and care for have no space in their complicated lives for me at this moment.

I slink back to my room and with no plans until my prep team arrives to get me dressed for dinner, I slink into my bed and pray for sleep. Thinking of Cinna. Of Peeta...of anyone I can to not be thinking of Finnick Odair.

I don’t know how long I sleep before there’s a knock at the door. It’s so gentle that I’m not sure how hard I could have been sleeping or if the person knocking even meant to. It takes me a moment to get to my feet and orient myself. But slowly I make my way to the door and open it. No one is there. But I glance to the left and see Finnick, walking away.

“Hey...” I call to him and he stops, I can tell he’s entertaining the idea of not turning back around.

But he does. We stand awkwardly for a moment.

“Did you want to come in?”

He watches me for a second and then seems to scan the hallway before slowly padding back towards me. I back into my room and he follows. I close the door. We stand silent. Neither of us sure what to say.

“I guess I still owe you that talk...” he whispers.

“You don’t owe me anything, Finnick.”

He cocks his head to the side and squints. Taking me in. But he doesn’t oppose. 

“Mags told me they are asking you to appear on Snow’s behalf. And I wish I could tell you you don’t have to...but you do. You do have to.”

“Why?” I already know the answer but I need to hear it from him. He inhales.

“Because you love Gale. And your family. And he already took Peeta from you. So you’ll do what he asks to keep them safe.”

I gulp. 

“Like you.”

“Like me.” He responds lowly. Sadly. He runs a hand through his hair. I notice his bandaged wrists.

“The people, like those people the other night, they...they do this to you?” I don’t want to know the answer. He cocks his mouth into his signature grin.

“This? No...this was something special I was....well, I was a bad boy. I guess.”

He’s hiding something from me and for me and I get the first glimpse into how he does it. That smile. It disarms me. It’s a weapon. What is it you don’t want me to see, Finnick? My mind reels and in a second...I know. 

My God. Gale.

“Is this....was this because you brought Gale here?? Finnick did they beat you because you helped me??”

That’s what happens. In that moment I think he is lucky they didn’t kill him. But I know killing us is not how this works.He doesn’t say yes...but he doesn’t say no.

“Finnick...”

“Look, you need him here. You deserve that. They’ve taken enough from you. He can stay. As long as he keeps his shit together. He can stay.”

I am choking on tears. Literally choking. I even cough and sputter.

“Hey. It’s ok. It’s not that bad. and I’d do it again. I mean, maybe I’d make sure and land that elbow where I know it would have knocked him out but...other than that. I’d do it all again.”

He smiles and I fight a small laugh. But it’s my laugh that’s making him smile. So I don’t fight it too hard.

“Better.” He says quietly. 

“Why? Why do you care so much?” I wipe a tear that escaped.

“This is how it works now, Katniss. We all look out for each other. You. Me. Mags. Haymitch. All of us. Just watch your back with Johanna, she’s bat shit crazy but she’ll have your back. And the careers can be dicey, too, but...they’ll be some of the only people who know how this feels. And that’s important, too. Just like Gale is.”

I nod slowly in agreement. I think I’m starting to understand. 

“I should probably go...” he whispers. We both clumsily reach for the door handle and somehow in trying to avoid each other we wind up tangled in each other and I gingerly catch his wrist. He winces and I apologize but suddenly we are entirely too close to each other but neither of us move. We just stand there, breathing the same air. And there is...energy between us that I can’t explain away. And I’m not sure I want to. He’s looking through me again in that way that he does. And he squints. I step towards him. Somehow feeling like if I just embrace it it won’t scare me as much.

But he counters. Very purposefully. He moves from me and there’s a vast cavern of space now. But his eyes don’t move.

“Hey, promise me something?”

He closes that space again ever so slightly and he is intoxicating. He also knows it.

“Promise me that Gale Hawthorne is worth all of this. And if you don’t think he is, make sure and teach him how to be.”

I am speechless and for a moment I see it. He wants to kiss me. Maybe just on the forehead. But he wants to. 

He doesn’t.

He shakes that energy off and I swear it lands on me. I let him grab for the handle and he opens it and leaves without so much as glancing back while he pulls it shut. 

I double like I’ve been hit. Like my heart is racing and my palms are sweating and my head is spinning and....

What was that?

I’m going to have to learn how to shake Finnick Odair. Or at least figure out if I even want to.


	6. Chapter 6

My prep team arrives to dress me for the ball and I’m my usual chipper self. Letting them swirl around me as I pray for it to just be over.Effie stares and claps approvingly...and I have to say even she has pulled out all the stops for this evening.

“Now Katniss, dear, I know this is not your cup of tea, and I know especially without Peeta....” her voice hitches, “ but I do want you to try to enjoy it. You deserve a night to just relax. Have a drink. Dance. Eat. Be with Gale!”

It’s the first time I have thought...Gale will be there. It makes my heart pound and I think that maybe, just maybe, it might not be a horrible night after all.

“The Victors get time to truly celebrate tonight. Just...enjoy the break. It is much deserved....”

“ALL the Victors?” I ask pointedly. She seems confused.

“Why if course all the Victors, silly....”

“So Finnick? Finnick gets to just have a break and celebrate?” I interrupt her and her face grows cold.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t he.”

You know exactly what I mean, Effie Trinket. That was a test and you failed.

I turn into the mirror and try not to chuckle. I look like a shiny black cinnamon bun. I wonder for a moment if it’s not a nod to Peeta before I think of how much Gale will hate it. 

But it is...strangely beautiful. And my hair is down, just braided across the crown. I’m still not used to seeing my hair down much. But it’s...pretty. 

Haymitch is waiting for me in the hall in probably the nicest thing I’ve seen him in. He lacks the polish of a prep team but he is relatively sober, so...there’s that.

We take the elevator to the ballroom and he’s quiet.

“That’s a nice dress.” He says. That’s all he can say. I can’t help but laugh. I just hope it will make it hard for people to get close to me.

One person in particular.

When we walk into the grand room it is like something from a fairy tale. It’s elaborate walls hang with tiny blinking lights. Music is wafting through the air. Everyone looks like those tiny ballerinas you see in music boxes. It even smells sweet. 

But it’s an illusion. Because on closer inspection you can see the haves and the have nots. The primped and primed members of the Capitol elite and the drab, desperate, trying too hard people from the districts who have been allowed to come see how the other half lives. I see some of them shoving food into their mouths. Hold two glasses in each hand. Dancing wildly. 

This is not normal.

“You look beautiful.” 

I turn and see Finnick and Mags. He is smiling and she is nodding. I smile back at him and for a moment forget everything else.

“I mean the dress is a lot, don’t get me wrong. You look like a cupcake. But your hair...I like it.” Mags elbows him hard and they share a laugh I try to join.

“I do look like a cupcake.”We share a smile and it’s awkward but it lingers. There’s music surrounding us and Mags takes her arm from Finnick and all but pushes him into me. He stumbles slightly. I’m struck by how incredibly handsome he really is, especially when he’s forgetting that he is. She pushes him again and he turns from her to me. There’s that electric space again. 

“I think what Mags is saying is...would you like to dance?”

Is he really asking me to dance? I want to make sure before I say yes. He extends hishand and I take it wordlessly. We make our way through the crowd, he’s pulling me gently and I put both of my hands on his. People are staring at us and I try to care as little as he does. 

He turns to me and pulls me to his chest. I’ve never danced this way before and I feel like I’m melting and weightless at the same time. But he is skilled enough for us both. He lifts my arm slightly in his, places my arm on his shoulder and wraps his around my waist and we sway slowly. That’s it. Nothing fancy or awkward. Just a sway. He smiles down at me but suddenly, and I feel it on my face too, it’s not a smile and just a stare. I feel his hand tighten against my back and pull me into him. He steals my breath. My fingers find his neck and hold him there. My heart is pounding and I pray he doesn’t feel it like I do. His breath is on my face and I’m lost in it. The way the blue of his suit matches the blue in his eyes.His hand is holding mine in the air, stroking the skin on the back of it as he takes more of my weight thanks to my buckling knees. 

“There you are....” I turn, shaken from some kind of spell. It’s Gale. Finnick and I drop our arms simultaneously and I pour myself into Gale’s embrace. It’s so much firmer than Finnick. There’s a gentleness with Finnick that Gale replaces with strength. I don’t mind either. I look up at him. His clothes are from The Seam. He’s my Gale. He makes no effort to fit in nor should he, and while you might think this would embarrass him, it doesn’t. 

It embarrasses Finnick. Who, like me, suddenly realizes the absurdity of our costumes in comparison.

Gale glares at him. I tighten my grip on him to remind him whose I am. Because Finnick was wrong. I do belong to Gale. With Gale. Gale is my home. And I can’t lose myself to The Capitol like he has. I won’t.Finnick nods gently and excuses himself. Gale replaces the space Finnick filled and we dance. Gale can dance, too, and he moves me gracefully through the crowd.

“He’s dangerous Katniss. Don’t let him fool you with all this....”

I don’t know that Gale realizes how dangerous he really is.

“I know. But we both need him. So I need to keep him on our side. He has connections here that I don’t. And I need you here. So if he can help us you’ll have to tolerate him.”

I hate saying the words but I know Gale. I know what he needs to hear. To believe. And he nods. I press my head into his shoulder and look over it. I see Finnick find Mags. But only minutes before a peacekeeper is tapping his shoulder, whispering to him. His face drops. 

I’m watching this play out from the safety of Gale’s embrace and it’s heartbreaking. He whispers to her. She doesn’t fight him but she takes his face in her hands and presses her head to his. She loves him so much and I wonder who this is harder on. She slicks his hair off of his face and touches his chest. Patting him gently. He turns and leaves her. I watch him slip quietly out the door.

“I have to go help Mags.” I whisper to Gale in spite of myself. Gale tightens his grip on me.

“C’mon Katnip. These people know how to help themselves. Just...be with me. I’m here.”

I want to listen to him. I do. But I’m watching this frail and tortured woman stand heartbroken and alone in this ballroom and I can’t stand it.

“These people are my people now, too.”

I am trying to stay calm but when he grabs my wrist and holds it, it’s starting to burn. My eyes widen and he does not relent. He takes both of my wrists. 

“I am your people. You and me. None of this matters.”

His eyes are cold and dark. His mouth pursed with hurt and anger. 

“Katniss, please.” He whispers, but his whisper is betrayed by his hard grip on my arms. I pull from him hard. Shocked at the effort it takes.

“It matters. And don’t ever touch me like that again.”

I move past him and he is calling to me but I don’t turn. I push through the obnoxious crowd to Mags. She takes my hand and she is shaking. I hold her hand and we snake through the crowd until we are freed from it. In the hallway she collapses slightly under the weight of pretending to not be dying inside. For him. 

“Let’s just leave.” I smile at her and she smiles up at me. We hold hands and head to the elevator. As we are about to board it, Haymitch calls to me. I roll my eyes.

“Tight leash, remember sweetheart?”

I turn to him and he can see that Mags is shaken. He leans into her and puts a hand on her shoulder. She signs to him and I stand there shocked that Haymitch knows her this well. She makes several gentle movements with her hand.

She moves it like a fish would move through water and then clasps it in a fist over her heart.

She puts her two fists together and then forcefully pulls them apart. He pats her shoulder.

“He’s not broken. They won’t break him. He’ll be ok. I’ll see if I can find out where they took him. Katniss can take you upstairs,” he’s so gentle to her it warms and breaks my heart. He turns to me. “Stay with Mags. Don’t go disappearing on me. Understood?”

I nod. I have no intention of leaving her.

We get into the elevator Haymitch nods at us as it closes. I glance at her. 

I move my hands like she did: like a fish through water and then a fist over my heart. 

“Finnick?” I ask.

She smiles and repeats the motions with her hands. She says his name.

The elevator dumps us onto our floor. 

“I can’t wait to get this off.” I sneer, walking towards my room. She follows me. 

“Come stay with me. How...how long is he usually gone?” I ask cautiously. She shrugs. I silently hope that maybe Haymitch can find him. We slip into my room and she smiles and me, turning me to help me unzip. I turn back to her holding the dress up. I laugh at how large it really is.

“He was right. I do look like a cupcake.” She laughs and then her eyes scan the room. She moves to the desk and grabs a paper and a pen. She scribbles and then returns to me.

_ Finnick likes cupcakes. _

She bites her lip childishly and we laugh. Somehow, at some point, her laugh turns to a cry. I pull her to me and she cries on my shoulder. I wonder how often she lets herself cry. And to who. 

“Mags. Let me go take care of him tonight. You stay here. It’s a lot. It’s...a lot on you.”

She stands back and dries her face and ferociously shakes her head no. 

“Mags. We take care of each other now. That’s what he said. Maybe I’m tired of being the one everyone looks out for. Let me help. Please?”

I plead with her, unsure of why it’s suddenly so important to me but it is. She ponders it. I grab at the remote that changes my wall screen and I create her ocean for her. Suddenly my room feels like hers. She is unsure but she looks at me.

“Please.” I plead again, and she smiles faintly. Then slowly nods yes.I pull out a blanket and lay it on the long couch that faces the wall. She sits quietly as I step out of this monster dress and into pants and a shirt, feeling more human already. I kneel by her, next to the couch. 

“Relax. Haymitch or I will be back soon to check on you. And I promise I’ll take care of him.” I put my hand on her lap and she looks at it. She furrows her brow and lifts it.

My wrist. It’s bruised. 

Gale.

“It’s nothing. Sometimes people don’t realize how strong they are.” I try to smile.

She points at my chest. You, she mouths. She thinks I don’t know how strong I am. She might be right.

I grab a sweater and throw it on over my shirt as I slip from my room and quietly down the hall. Hoping against hope I make it to her room before I get stopped and forced to return to the party. 

But I’m successful. 

I ease into her room and sit quietly at the edge of the bed. Time stops. I twist my hair and fingers. I tap my foot. I pace. I wonder. I try not to think. I sit in an arm chair and look around the room trying to focus on anything other than what Finnick might be going through. At some point I doze off because the sound of the door opening and closing wakes me and it’s dark. So dark that I hate that I obviously slept for longer than I expected.

Which means he was gone for longer than I expected.

I stand from the chair and he doesn’t notice me. He’s in the dark by the door, pulling his jacket off and tossing it onto the floor before flipping on the lights. 

He freezes when he sees me.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Mags?” There is a sense of urgency. I know he’s worried for her and not himself.

“She’s ok. She’s in my room. I thought she might need a break.”

He scowled softly, eyes deep set on mine.

“A break? Was she alright?” He’s got his hand on the door like he wants to go for her.

“She’s sad. Worried. That’s all. I told her that you said we all take care of each other now and I wanted it to be my turn.” 

I’m standing still as I talk and I notice he drops his hand. He will stay. I walk towards him, not too close, but close enough. 

“Tell me what you need.”

There’s some blood, only barely on the collar of his shirt. I lift my hand to pull at the fabric to see where it’s coming from but he catches it and then pushes himself away. 

“I need a shower. Don’t touch me.”

I feel like his words knock the wind out of me and I know he sees it.

“Look, I’m sorry. I just...really need a shower is all, ok?”

I nod and scoot away from him, leaving a path to the shower. He takes it and disappears behind the door. I swear I don’t move til he is done. I just stand there. I hear the water turn on. I hear it run for a long while. I hear it then off. I hear the sink. 

The sink. I move to the table and hold up the bottle I’d seen Mags hand him and I palm it. Ready to try and offer it to him. 

He emerges from the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. His hair and skin still wet and I don’t know where to look. I look at the bottle in my hands. 

“He...here....does this help?” I stutter like a nervous child and he moves into me to take it. He puts two in his palm and tosses them into his throat with no water. He hands the bottle back to me. I still can’t look at him. 

“Katniss I know you’ve seen a bare chest before you don’t have to not look at me.” He’s so earnest and sincere and...right. He was shirtless when I met him I don’t know why it’s affecting me now. I think it’s more the towel. I raise my eyes. I’m so close to him. I notice the marks on his neck that were bleeding just enough to stain his shirt and without really knowing why I close the space between us and stand on my toes. I blow on them, the way my mother would, cool air on his wet skin, and he cocks his head to the side to give me permission to do it again. I blow softer, and my lips graze his skin. It’s hot. I purse them and gently kiss him. He doesn’t protest so I do it again. Tracing my lips over the tender pink marks on his neck.I feel him him against my mouth before he pulls from me.

“Really I can take it from here, if you want to just keep an eye on Mags...make sure she’s ok...that would be great.”

He’s walking from me and I know that I probably just crossed a line. He turns back to me from across the room. 

“What I’m saying is, I think you need to leave.”

His voice is cold and I feel so small. Embarrassed and small. And I want to cry.

“You don’t have to do this all on your own. I owe you. What you did for me. For Gale.”

“You don’t owe me anything. I’m sorry, I just...I need you to leave, please.”

“Need me to or want me to?”

My question catches him so off guard I see him struggle to know how to answer it. He CB entertains it for a minute and then closes the space between us. I immediately regret being so forward because I am so outmatched.

“I don’t want you to, which is why I need you to.”

I inhale sharply, my pulse pounding in my chest. 

“I don’t want to....” I whisper and it comes out of me so dark and vulnerable it’s alarming. I feel a heat deep in the pit of my stomach that tells me to stay. Begs me to. I move into him and he doesn’t counter. He raises his hand and traces the side of my face with his hand. I lean into it. No one has ever touched me the way he does. The way his fingers just barely graze me. I lean back into him with more determination and blow against his neck again. I don’t kiss him I just let my lips trace his skin with barely any contact. I feel his hands find my waist and gently steady himself against me. So I let mine do the same, finding the edge of his towel and resting my fingers against his muscular hips. Tracing them lightly, touching him the way he touches me. 

I don’t think I mean to but maybe I do. I let my thumbs hook into the towel and, not realizing how loose it is, it falls open almost immediately. Pooling on the floor around his feet. He doesn’t even flinch. My chest is pounding and I will my eyes to not look. Instead I lock eyes with him and he’s daring me to look away. I don’t. I won’t. He’s looking through me and I can hardly breathe. My hands still on his bare hips. I gradually move them on his skin, tracing the deep V that pushes from his hip bones to his length and I sweep my hands over his impossibly smooth skin. My hand finds him easily and he still doesn’t move. I wrap my hand around him and he won’t stop looking at me. My breath is coming so hot and hard and quick and loud that I feel like I am hyperventilating. I’m still barely grazing him but my hand it slipping up and down his cock and he is so hard in my hand I gasp. Achingly hard. I lift on my toes and bite my bottom lip as I move to kiss him. My nose grazes his and he gently plays at it, closing his eyes for the first time breaking our gaze. His mouth hangs open and I want to taste him so badly I lose the control not to. I let my lips find his.

And that does it. 

He pulls from me like I’m on fire. Turning swiftly, my hand empty, my chest aching, my lips burning.

“I’m sorry.” He says as he moves through the room and pulls pants from a drawer, casually pulling them on. I notice the pink lines on his back from his beating. Miraculously improved but still visible. I try to focus on them and not his impossible nakedness.

I don’t know what to say.

“Finnick I’m sorry....”

“Don’t be sorry, just leave.”

“You said you didn’t want me to...”

“Wake up. It’s not a fucking game Katniss. You asked. And now I’m telling you...I need you to leave and I want you to leave....”

This anger at me is jarring and confusing.

“I don’t want to.”

He tosses his head back.

“You think anything about this life is what you want? You think what you WANT matters? That’s bullshit and you know it. You need to learn that quick or this place will just break your heart again and again. What you want stopped mattering when you got reaped.”

“That’s a really shitty attitude Finnick. There’s no hope in that.”

He walks towards me like he is stalking his prey and I step away from him. Uneasy.

“There’s no hope in anything. You need to grow up. It’s not a game. People get killed. You of all people should know that.”

I gulp. 

“Thank you for the reminder. I guess I have a lot to learn.” 

I will not let him see me cry. I will not let him see me cry.

“Yeah and while you’re at it, here’s another tip for you. If you’re gonna try to help someone who just had to fuck five different people to keep his best friend alive....maybe a handjob isn’t the best way to do that. Just...maybe think that through next time.”

I want to throw up.

“There won’t be a next time.”

I spit words through my teeth and run from his room, barely making it to the hallway before the tears fall and I fall apart under their weight. What the hell did I just do?! How can I continually make everything worse for everyone. 

I hate myself. I hate him. And now I have to go tell Mags that as much as I want to help them, I don’t want to see Finnick Odiar ever again. 

This week cannot end soon enough.


	7. Chapter 7

** Two weeks later. **

This week back in Twelve has been a strange cocktail of perfect and awful. I can convince myself in the woods that this is where I belong. Alone with my bow, or with Gale. But then there are hours at a time where I feel like a fraud. 

I left The Capitol and never crossed Finnick Odair’s path again. 

But I cannot clear him from my mind. 

Gale wants to make love every night. I say make love even if that isn’t at all what it is. Most times I close my eyes and wait for it to be over. I feel like he’s grown more and more aggressive and not less and less. And sometimes I accept responsibility for it because as hard as I try, I can’t close my eyes and not think of Finnick. Of what I think it might have been like with him. And I think Gale knows.

But I won’t have to find out what it might have felt like. Finnick and I made that perfectly clear to each other. 

I can love Gale. I tell myself that I already do. I tell him that I do.He deserves that from me. He has protected me. He has been there for my family and I. This is what love is.

I’m sitting in the kitchen picking at the soup in my bowl when I hear Gale. He’s back in the mines this week. I hate it for him and he resents me. I see it on him every day. But he insists on going. That that is who he is. I don’t argue. Today he comes in extra irritated. I can tell by the door slam before I see him. I stand uneasily and put my bowl in the sink before moving to greet him. 

“Hi.” I say, trying to illicit a smile. He throws a pile of papers on the long table by the door. Mail, I suppose.

“You got something from Four. Anything I should know about?”

I shrug. I wouldn’t know either. But he is staring at me like it’s not a good enough answer.

“Well, what is it?” He asks again.

“Gale I don’t know I haven’t even seen it.”

He crosses the room to me and his movements are heavy and calculated. I stand my ground. He grabs my chin.

“I know when you’re lying to me.”

My eyes widen.

“I’m not lying. Jesus, Gale...” I swat his hand away and he catches my arm. Pushing me into the wall. His body in front of mine. 

“More Capitol bullshit you don’t want me to talk you out of? It’s bad enough you’re taking off tomorrow to do their dirty work. We could just...run. You know we could....”

We have this fight daily. Do we stay? Do we go? Are we safe? What about our families? 

I try to break free from him and he pushes his knee between my thighs and into the wall. He buries his head in my hair. Smelling it. I would hold him to calm him but he has successfully pinned me to the wall.

“I want you....” he groans into my hair and I can feel that he does. 

“Not right now....” I whisper cautiously, eyeing the large Manila envelope from Four over his shoulder. He bristles. 

“No? Really?” He almost laughs. He looks at me and it’s frightening for a minute before he backs off and laughs.

“No. So much for us being in this together huh? You tell Finnick Odair no? I mean I know he wouldn’t tell you no. He doesn’t tell anyone no, right?”

Actually yes he does and yes he would. 

“You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t stand Finnick Odair.”

He nods knowingly. 

“I’m gonna go stay with my mom and the kids tonight....”

“Gale. No, please.....” As angry as I am, as he is, he knows I can’t be alone. I can’t stay here alone.

“What are we even doing here Katniss? You can keep pretending you love me all you want but it’s getting pretty old to see right through it, you know? You know where to find me.”

He’s moving to the door and I run to block his way. 

“Gale please don’t go, you know I love you. I need you here.”

“I know you believe those things, Katnip. You only love me when you need me. There are things I need, too.”

Is he leaving because I wouldn’t have sex with him? Is it that simple with him? I move and let him go. He slams the door and I watch him through the window. I whisper his name....and that I’m sorry. I reach down and lift the envelope from District Four, running my hands over my name on the front. Everything goes through district post offices so I don’t know who it’s from but I have a fifty percent chance of guessing right. 

** Katniss, **

** I feel shitty having to do this in a letter because I should have had the courage to find you before we left The Capitol. But, like everything else, it’s complicated. **

** I just wanted to tell you that I’m rooting for you. I know you’re getting ready to head out on a mission you never signed up for an certainly don’t want. I know you feel trapped. Stuck between two worlds and you don’t belong in either of them anymore.  **

** It’ll get better. You’re strong and you’ll figure it out. Because you have to remember that they need you more than you need them. And the people of Panem know you. Find a way to make them hear what you want to say.  **

** When your tour brings you to District Four, Mags and I will be waiting for you. We both have your back. **

** You should probably burn this just in case. **

** Don’t give up,  **

** Finnick. **

Finnick. I run my fingers over his handwriting. Stuck between two worlds and I don’t belong in either. He understands. 

I slink down against the door and read it. I read it over and over until it’s dark. And when it’s late enough and I’m tired enough that I might be able to sleep...I take it to bed with me. 

In the morning I wake to my prep team gathering in the great room. My mother and Prim. But no Gale.I let them dress me, prepare me, coddle me...but all I can think of are Finnick’s words. Make them hear what I have to say....what does that mean? What do need to say? What do I want to say?

Haymitch appears as if on cue. 

“Hey, ummmm, you need to come with me....”

I stand from my daze and follow him into the street. A crowd is gathering. There’s noise, fighting, peacekeepers. And Gale. 

“You need to calm him down before he gets himself killed....” Haymitch is whispering to me as we both take off running in his direction.

“Gale!” I shout his name as soon as I think he can hear me. He has a large metal pipe and he is flailing it, destroying what used to be Peeta’s house. Several other men from the mines are holding back the crowd. There are gun shots.

“Please! Let me through! I can make him stop! Please don’t shoot.” The crowd lets me through even as I get pushed and shoved, but I make my way to him. 

“Gale!” I shout and he doesn’t react. He’s pouring gasoline into a window that’s been crushed under his pipe.He’s flailing it wildly. Screaming. 

“They destroyed Peeta. They are destroying all of us. I’m not gonna sit back and wait for them to destroy you! This ends today Katniss.”

“Gale how will you getting killed help me?? Please stop!!!”   


I’m shouting at him and he doesn’t stop so I make a run for him. He flails wildly and rears back with his pipe. I catch it with the side of my face and neck.I can’t see. I hear gun shots. It’s black and silent. I don’t feel my body hit the floor...


	8. Chapter 8

I wake up in a panic. I know where I am and it’s not Twelve. 

As soon as I move an arm catches my shoulder and stills me.

“I’m here, Katniss. I need you to stay calm and as still as possible.”

I turn my face to see my mother. A wash of calm comes over me and I do as she says. My eyes focus on her, and just past her is another familiar form. 

Finnick.

“You were shot Katniss and you broke several bones in your face. But you’re going to be just fine. I need you to just try to relax.”

I want to cry but it hurts. I’m staring at her eyes and praying for calm. She hushes me gently as Finnick closes on behind her and sits next to me. They share a glance. I clear my throat.

“I got your letter....” I whisper to him and my mother cries at the sound of my voice. He smiles. I attempt to smile back and that’s when I notice my face is bandaged I want to reach for it but my arms are secured to the bed. My eyes widen and Finnick senses it before my mother does. 

He reaches his hand to my face and covers the right side of it. The entire thing is bandaged under his hand. My breath hitches. 

“You’re banged up pretty good, and not that purple isn’t your color but right now it’s the color of most of your face...,” he’s doing me the courtesy of not leaving me in the dark and I nod so he will keep going, “your eye socket is fractured and your jaw on this side. So you’re gonna have to just shut up and not mouth off for a little while. Ok?” 

I can only imagine what I look like.

“Show me...i want to see it.” I manage. And he refuses. So I know it’s as bad as I’m imagining. 

“It won’t help anything right now. You’re...” he stops and catches himself, “you look great Katniss. You do. It’ll heal.”

My mother is inserting something into my IV and I hope it won’t make me sleep. She whispers to Finnick and then leans over me.

“I’m going to go get some broth so we can try to eat now that you’re awake. I’ll be right back, baby.” She kisses my forehead. It’s bandaged, too. I try not to cry at the thought of it. 

She’s gone. It’s just Finnick and I. And I should feel awkward about the past but I’m too busy feeling awkward about the present. 

“Gale....”

I whisper. Afraid to for so many reasons. Finnick bristles and leans on his elbows onto the bed at my side.

“He’s alright. The bullet sunk in you...here...” he puts his hand gently just over my hip, “so it missed Gale entirely. They arrested him but the real fuss was over the peacekeeper shooting you, so really...I guess you saved him twice.”

“Thank you.” I nod and close my eyes. 

“Katniss...” he whispers to me and leans in closely. I turn my head as best I can. He continues.

“So the doctors explained the bruising and fracturing on your face. And your neck. The bullet wound in your abdomen....” Finnick’s voice trails slightly as he reaches for my wrist. He lifts it and traces the faint bruising there with his fingers.

“I’m more interested in where these came from...” he asks gently and I swallow hard. I just stare at him. He pulls the sheet back gently and raises my gown. I’m strapped down so I can’t fight him. And I wouldn’t have anyway. He runs his finger over my hip and my waist. Bruising. I know it. I’ve seen it.

“And these....” his voice is dark and he is looking right at me. No, through me. I feel my eyes get damp but I don’t release them. I won’t.

“I’m kind of an expert so, you don’t have to say it. But....” he’s staring at me and I know he knows. Of course he knows.

“It’s just the way he likes it...” I manage to interrupt him. My voice breaks and betrays me. 

“Is it the way you like it?” He asks pointedly. Sex, thinking about it or talking about it, is not something that sits comfortably for me and I feel my face flush. But Finnick asks me like he’s talking about the weather.

“I...I guess I don’t know.” The corners of my eyes leak and I curse myself.

“I’m guessing from your expression...you do know. Katniss....”

He takes my hand in his and moves to speak. But we are interrupted. My mother reappears at the door. With some doctors.

With Gale. 

Finnick removes himself from my side to make room for him. Gale is holding an absurdly large bouquet that even a tall man like Gale can barely be seen through. His voice shakes. I hear it in his breath before he speaks. He sits the flowers on a small table and then slinks into the stool that Finnick had occupied. His face is red. I know he’s been crying. And this is something I have never seen. My heart aches.

“Kat....I’m so so sorry.....”

He buries his head on my chest and cries with complete abandon. He clutches the blanket that covers me in his hands and I hear Finnick whisper to my mother. 

“Untie her hands....” 

I look over to him, grateful he could read my mind, but as I’m looking at him...he turns and leaves. Like I’ve hurt him somehow. 

My mother unbinds my arms and I put a hand on the back of Gale’s head. 

“Shhhh I know...it’s ok. I’m ok.....” it hurts to talk so I don’t say more. I just comfort him and let him cry. For a long while we are alone. But we don’t talk. My mother comes back in with the other doctors. They are followed by Haymitch and Finnick. Finnick hangs back and my eyes seem to stay with him until Haymitch is at my side.

“Well you look like shit, sweetheart.” He takes my hand and for some reason his honesty is what makes me snap. It hurts to cry but I’m doing it anyway. Gale sits up and he and Haymitch make awkward eye contact. The doctors are whispering with Finnick who seems to be doing most of the talking but I can’t hear them. He walks towards me as the medical staff seems to do the same.

I’m surrounded by them: Haymitch to my left, Gale to my right, and Finnick at my feet. The doctors gather as well and I feel my heart start to race.

“How are you feeling, Miss Everdeen?”

I give her some kind of combination of a nod and a shrug. 

“She looks worse than she feels.”

Haymitch jokes and I’m trying to let it relax me but I know that coming from him it probably is because I do look like absolute hell.

“Katniss we do expect that with some therapy you will make a complete recovery. But your body will need time to heal. Your face. And as for your legs....”

I see Haymitch brace and he stares at Finnick and then at me. I glance down at Finnick and he narrows his eyes. He places a hand over my calf and squeezes it tightly. Until it almost hurts.

“We know your have no feeling in your legs, correct?” The doctor leans in to me. Finnick is still squeezing and I absolutely feel it. I watch him, he nods no.

“No.” I say.

“And you are unable to move anything below your waist, correct?”

I’m watching Finnick. He nods yes slightly.

“Correct.” I say.

“She won’t be able to make her tour if she can’t walk and can barely talk. She’ll need to recover first.” Finnick offers.

The doctor nods and gives a knowing smile. 

“Yes. I will let President Snow know that she has temporary paralysis and will be unable to travel. We will decide where she can most safely recover away from any dangers or bystanders...”

“She can come to Four with Mags and I.”

Finnick is so quick to answer I almost can’t believe it.

“Are you out of your mind?” Gale stands and turns to him, puffing his chest, and Finnick stands.

“Oh for God’s sake you two, not now.” Haymitch mutters under his breath.

“She belongs in Twelve with me. I can take care of her.” Gale steps into him and Finnick does not back down.

“I would say that the evidence here suggests otherwise.” 

“This was accident....” Gale is right in his face and I am silently begging Haymitch to separate them.

“I’m not talking about this accident....” Finnick all but shoves him and finally Haymitch intervenes.

“Alright enough. Both of you.” He moves to get between them.

“She’s going to Four. Mags was able to recover from her stroke in the water there and we think those same things will help Katniss. And Finnick can get her in and out. He’ll stay in Four and out of the Capitol until she’s healed and we will go from there.” 

The doctor nods at me to make sure I’m ok with this plan. 

Haymitch is protecting Finnick, too. I nod yes. Gale turns to me.

“Really? The Seam is your home. Your mom. Prim.”

“You can take them of them for me until I can. Please Gale.” 

He can’t argue with me. But he doesn’t like it. He pushes past both Finnick and Haymitch without a word. 

“He’ll get over it. I’ll be there, too. He can babysit them and I’ll babysit him.” Haymitch pats my leg and then follows after Gale.

“Finnick you and I can discuss her care and take it from there. She should be ready to travel in the next day or so. You’ll just have to remember...to keep her off of her feet....” the doctor whispers to him and touches his arm gently. She leaves and it’s just the two of us again. He moves to sit by my side.

“It was all we could come up with. All you have to do is pretend you can’t walk and pretend to tolerate me. I’m sorry. I know it’s not ideal.” He whispers. 

“You don’t have to do this...” I tell him.

“I don’t have to, I want to,” He smiles slightly and pauses before he continues, “I’m sorry for how we left things. Sometimes...I’m better at handling people I don’t care about than the ones I do.”

I feel a slight chill. It’s his own little way of admitting he cares for me. And I’ll take it.

“You should probably rest. It’ll a long couple of days.” 

He stands.

“Stay? Please?”

He doesn’t say anything but slowly sits back down and takes my hand. Our eyes lock on each other and I watch him by my side, grazing my hand with his fingers, until I feel myself drift into a peaceful, if not uncertain, sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

I wake up to Finnick adjusting me in the bed, lifting the back of it so I am sitting, and being vertical makes my head pound so incredibly that I wince despite myself.

“Hey, you ok?” He whispers as the bed stops lifting.

“Yeah, just my head.”

“You’re probably due to take something. I should know what that is but...I’ll double check.”

I swallow hard and brace myself on the bed as it lifts until I am sitting and my head adjusts and I can breathe again.

“Finnick...I want to see how bad it is.”

I know it’s bad because the people that come in and out of this room all struggle to look at me. Even Finnick. Like, it looks like it hurts him more than it hurts me. He bristles at my question.

“Katniss you know how bruising and swelling works. We both do. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.”

“And I know you don’t want to risk me being seen walking to a mirror so you are going to get me one. Please. And thank you.”

I have gotten better at talking without moving my jaw. The look on his face tells me he wishes I hadn’t. I’m probably easier to manage when I can’t really talk.

He sighs and I see his shoulders slump. I know there’s one in the bathroom, I’ve seen him using it to shave. He looks towards it. I follow his eyes. And slowly he stands. He walks to the bathroom and returns with it, face down, holding it out of my reach. He sits on the side of the bed and takes my hand. It’s the most intimate contact we have had since...well since the day I blew this thing wide open.

“Katniss it’s bad. Ok? It just is. But you need to know it’s not going to be like this for long.” I appreciate his words even if they do terrify me. 

He slowly lifts it and I adjust myself as much as I can until he holds it in front of my face and I stare at my reflection. I want to throw up. I’m covered almost completely. My left eye, left cheek and mouth are all that haven’t been wrapped. But even in the wrapping I can see the impossible swelling. My skin is purple. The side of my mouth is swollen so badly it looks like bee stings. My eye is bloodshot. And my face looks two times it’s normal size.

“Ffffinnick....”

He puts the mirror down and takes my hand in both of his. He’s trying to smile at me like I don’t look like a monster.

“I promise you I’ve seen worse. Look, they had all sorts of ideas how to fix you here. Haymitch and I fought hard to keep you from coming out of this looking like....well....one of them. I want to see your face again someday, not some horrible alteration. Just means....you gotta hang on through this part. And I know you can.”

I’m crying at his words. Grateful that he didn’t let them turn me into some glossed over muttation but right now I wonder if it would have been so bad. I turn my face from him. He touches it lightly and turns it back to him.

“Hey, none of that. I’ve been looking at this mess for two days now...it’s burned into my brain.” He smiles and I can’t force myself to. I don’t want anyone to look at me. 

Especially not Finnick Odair. Beauty and The Beast. Fitting.

“I have to go get some things together, I think as long as you’re up for it we can leave today. But...I wanted to ask you something...”

I straighten up and do a body check, wondering if I really am ready but telling myself I will say I am no matter what. Any place has to be better than here.

“Ok...” I answer.

“Gale wants to be able to come see you. Maybe bring your family. They think it could be eight weeks or so til you’re really moving enough to travel back to Twelve...and I just....I wanted....to make sure that’s what you want.”

I’m trying to read his intentions and I think now that Finnick perceives Gale as a threat. Not to him. To me. And I’m not sure how to answer.

“I guess what I’m saying Katniss is...if you don’t feel safe with Gale I can tell him I’m saying no...and not you. You don’t have to decide right now.”

I smile faintly. Or at least I think I do. He wants to protect me from something he is probably more familiar with than either of us care to think about. I nod yes. He’s right though. I can’t decide right now. 

I’m not afraid of Gale. I’m afraid for Gale.

“Did he leave? Is he still here?” I ask him quietly, because I haven’t seen him since he slipped out at the very mention of me going to Four.

“He’s here. He’s been with your mom, looking after her. He’s...he’s not a bad guy...I don’t want you to think that....”

Finnick is struggling to find his words and I would be charmed by it if I wasn’t so desperate to know what they are.

“It’s not because I’m jealous. I just feel like you need to know that. If you want him there and he will help. I support that.”

“Thank you.”

I manage. Although all I can really think about is...Finnick being jealous of someone else that loves me. I try to shake it off.

His ears must have been ringing. Because Gale appears at the door.

He knocks on the side of it even though it’s open.

“Hey Katnip...”

Finnick stands and excuses himself. I’m not sure but I think he even tries to smile at Gale. I watch it wash over him. He eases past Finnick in the doorway and makes his way to my side.

“It seems like everything is under control....” he assures me as he takes my hand.

“I don’t know if I can do this...” I whisper to him. And it’s honest. Painfully so. I don’t know who I am outside of The Seam, and for the first time in my life I’m really feeling out of control and terrified. I don’t hate Finnick. And I am learning. But I don’t trust him like I trust Gale. And now I’m leaving Gale behind.

“You can do it, Katniss. There’s nobody as strong as you. Not me. Not Finnick. Not Snow. If anyone can do this. It’s you.” He’s holding my hand and I notice it’s gently. Not his usual firm grip. He and I look down at our hands at the same time and our fingers link. 

“I know...I know I’ve messed this up. If I could go back. Protect you. I thought that’s what I was doing, you know? I thought....but I was so wrong. I hate myself for it.”

His voice is breaking and I know trying to find these words is torture for him. But...he is trying. 

“I want to be better for you, Kat. I want to earn this. While you’re getting better...I will be, too.”

I feel the tears behind my eyes moving to the front and I know he means it. I reach up for his face. He turns sweetly and kisses my palm. 

“I know you know I’m strong, Gale. No one has ever made me believe that like you do,” he looks deeply into my eyes appreciatively, “you just have to remember that sometimes...I’m fragile, too.”

That’s what Peeta knew. That’s what Finnick sees. Gale never has, and I need him to. I think that of he does...we can fix this. All of it.

“I love you so much, Katnip. Don’t forget that.”

“I love you too, Gale. I always have.”

He leans down and kisses me gently on the forehead.

Finnick reappears cautiously with my mom in the door. She has a wheelchair. 

“Katniss we’d like to see how you do moving around. Just remember....however you’re legs feel.....”

“I know.” I cut my mother off. I have repeated it to myself for days now: my legs do not work. It’s all that will save me. Finnick moves to the side of the bed. I can tell he is uneasy. 

“Do you mind if I...” he’s asking Gale to move without asking him to move. And Gale stands. He turns to Finnick and they take each other in. 

“Take care of her, ok? She’s all I’ve got.” Gale is genuine, and...sad.

“I promise. Thank you...for trusting us. Me. I know this isn’t what you want.”

Finnick’s voice is equally calm and I inhale deeply. He moves to my side and pushes the sheet back. He asks if I’m ready. I take a shaky breath and nod yes. He slips his arms under me...my neck and my legs. He lifts me into the air and I wince. The pressure in my head building. Gale moves to hold me on the other side. Both of them so careful and gentle and I feel torn in every way a person can. Gale is worried. Finnick seems calm. But Gale has a guilt attached to this pain that Finnick does not.

Once they work together to sit me down the pain subsides. I wiggle my bare toes.

“Maybe we need to get you some socks...” Finnick smiles cautiously. This will be harder than I thought.

“Finnick if you want to wheel her around awhile to see how she fares...Gale, can you help me gather things for them and then we can think about packing up to go. I think the sooner we all leave, the better.”

My mother speaks so calmly and assuredly. Gale agrees.

“Yes. Let’s not give them any chance to change their minds. Finnick, if you think she’s ready I say we all get the hell out of here today.”

Gale watches Finnick for his opinion and I can see that Finnick is of the same mind. None of us want to leave the Capitol more than him, I suspect.

He nods. We watch my mother and Gale walk away. She leans into him and he holds her around the shoulder. Finnick is behind me and I’m glad he can’t see me crying at the idea of saying goodbye to them. My family.

“It’ll be ok. I promise. You’ll be back in Twelve as soon as we know it’s safe.” He whispers and his hand is on my shoulder. I lean into it as he turns me to move in the opposite direction.

I brace myself for this new chapter as I brace my legs into a frozen position. Begging the universe to let me get out of here without blowing this whole plan with one wiggly toe.


	10. Chapter 10

District Four

When Finnick and I arrive in District Four there is a downright celebration. Not only is their Victor returning unscathed from the Quarter Quell, but he has come home with the Girl On Fire. Apparently there was national outrage when I was shot and they feel like they have won some sort of lottery. As we prepare to step off the train, Finnick leans over to me and pulls the hood from my coat up and over my face. He gives me a gentle reminder to not move and then takes his place behind me, pushing me down a ramp and into mass hysteria. 

I keep my head down and as soon as we are outside the crowd hushes. There are still some cheers and shouts of encouragement but I think most of them are horrified to see me hiding in this chair while Finnick acts as my nursemaid. 

A small car arrives and a driver opens it’s back door. I realize at this point that it doesn’t take much pretending to not walk. Any movement in my hip shoots pain through my leg and I would just as soon not move them. I let Finnick scoop me effortlessly into his arms and ease me into the car. When the door shuts, I slump into his side. This little effort has absolutely exhausted me and I realize just how bad of shape I am in. Everything hurts. I fight tears. 

Finnick strings his arm around me and assures me.

“We’re almost there. You can rest. We can get some medicine in you. Hang on. I’ve got you.”

I think to myself how incredibly noble this is of him, to take me from that place and hide me in his to a avoid something he knew would slowly kill me. And I remember that having me here means Finnick gets to stay, too. I curl into him gently and close my eyes for the remainder of the ride.

When I awake we are beside a tiny row of homes that sit along a small channel. They are beautiful but compact. Different colors. They sit close to each other, with tiny pathways to docks that rest between them. This particular one is a deep blue. One look up and down the row and I realize it’s the only one that looks lived in. 

I’m taking in the greenery that grows alongside it, the benches, the bouys, the things I have never seen other than in pictures. The screen door opens and I see her. 

Mags. I smile to myself. She looks so happy. A tiny sprite of a thing running from her equally lovely cottage. Finnick opens the door and rounds the car to her. She embraces him deeply and he kisses her forehead. I will never tire of seeing the love they have for each other. He whispers to her and she looks into the car, deep concern painting her face. She is looking for me. 

Finnick moves back to the car as I watch the driver exit and pull out our small bags and unfold my chair. Finnick reaches for me and gently lifts me. I’m getting used to the feel of being moved around in his arms. He asks Mags to grab my chair but he carries me past it. We move into her cottage and I wish I had the energy to take it all in, but he carries me into a room I can immediately tell she has prepared for me. A small bedroom just off the main living area. Finnick eases me into cool sheets that have already been turned down. A breeze blows gauzy curtains. There is a table with trays of medicine. He lays me back and sets about taking my coat off. I help him as best I can. Mags enters behind him and gently scolds him for tugging me too hard. Together they work at pulling my hood from behind my head and Mags reacts to seeing me for the first time. She covers her mouth and then I see her wince, more at her honest reaction than my face. I want to help put her at ease.

“It must be shocking when you’re used to looking at Finnick all the time.” I joke softly and we share a laugh as Finnick rolls his eyes. 

Mags reaches for a bottle and shakes two pills into her hand. She gives them to me, followed by a glass of cold water. She gestures to Finnick. She taps her wrist where a watch might be and then holds up four fingers. Sternly.

“Four hours. You got it, boss.”

It’s so endearing to watch him with her, or just...here. I feel like maybe I am seeing him for the first time. She turns to me as he leaves the room abruptly. She smiles and brushes my hair off my bandaged face.

“Beautiful.” She manages to say and I can make out the word which she appreciates. We smile. She puts her hands together and to the side of her face in prayer and closes her eyes. She wants me to sleep.

“Yes. I’m so tired. Thank you.” I whisper. She holds up a single finger like she is asking me to wait. She points to my glass of water, holds up three fingers and presses them to her lips and chin.

“Water?” 

She nods emphatically and does the hand sign again. 

“Water. Yes.” I smile. Then she points to me and acts like she is swimming. 

“Swimming. Yes. Hopefully soon. I’m anxious to move. When I’m allowed.” 

She makes the swimming fish with her hand and then closed it over her heart, smiling at me.

“Finnick.” I smile at her and she moves her hand from her heart to mine. I feel my eyes starting to close and she pulls the covers up over my neck.

I’m lulled awake by the gauzy curtains brushing over my bed, the amazingly sweet and salty smell of the bay through the window, and the gentle humming sound of Finnick asleep in the chair next to me. I watch him. Peacefully. His arms are folded against his bare chest. Loose blue swimming trunks. His head falling slightly off the side of the chair, mouth open. His bare feet crossed on the end of my bed. I want to remember him this way the next time I want to throttle him.

He must sense me watching him because he starts to stir from sleep and soon enough one of his green eyes is on mine. He blinks himself awake and sits up into a stretch. 

“Hey...how are you feeling?” He asks, as groggy as I feel. 

“I’m sore. But ok.” 

He’s already moving around the bed and dropping pills into his palm. 

I move my hand to my chin and lips, holding up three fingers. He smiles.

“Water. Impressive.” We share a smile as he passes me the pills and a glass. I wash them down quickly, anxious to feel better. I realize as I push the water into my system that I desperately need to use the bathroom. 

“Finnick, I have to go to the bathroom.” I whisper to him, trying not to be embarrassed but it’s becoming an emergency quickly. He turns to me and runs a hand through his hair. He’s as uneasy as I am.

“How brave are you feeling?” He asks, and there is definitely a level of mischief in his voice.

“Brave enough to do whatever I need to do to not wet this bed.”

He chuckles and leans over me, taking in my face. He starts pulling at the gauze and I’m trying to imagine where exactly he thinks I pee from that this would matter. He is swiftly unwinding it until my face is free and it feels...like I can breathe. He sits back and smiles. 

“You know...it looks better.” He straightens my hair a little and takes in the sight of me too to bottom. 

He stands and scoops his arms under me in what is now a very familiar and comforting movement. I wrap my arms around him and feel my heart pop just a bit at his bare skin. He carries me from the bedroom and around the corner, out the back door and onto a small pier that leads into the water behind the cottage. I notice Mags sitting by the water, working busily. I’m confused but too taken with my surroundings to care. I know Four has the struggles we do back home but surrounded by sun and water and light they seem...tolerable. Finnick reaches the edge of the dock and tells me to hold on as tight as I can.

He turns himself and makes his way down a short ladder until we are submerged. I scream. I don’t know if it’s the shock of the cool water or that my body does ache or that I have no idea what he is thinking, but I scream. Mags runs to the side of the water and he tells her I am fine. 

He floats gently back into the water and I try to ease in his arms, mine still firmly around his neck.

“Alright,” he whispers to me, “you can pee now.”

I look at him like he has lost his mind.

“Finnick what?! No.” I protest but I am literally squeezing my legs together.

“Why not, I do it all the time. And we’re already here.....”

“No! Lift me up!”

I’m smiling and fighting a laugh and he starts laughing at my expense.

“Would it make you feel better if I do it too?” 

I’m dying. And I’m laughing. Which is not helping.

“No! At least move away from me.”

“I’m not letting go of you. Who would take care of Mags if Gale killed me because I let you drown on your first day here. Just...pee...it’s fine.”

I wince and I start to pee. Right there on him. I hear Mags laughing from behind me and I can hardly stand it but I start laughing too. He’s treading water right under me and I feel so incredibly awkward but also...free. 

And that will be the story I tell my children about the time I peed on Finnick Odair.

“How do you feel...in the water...” he asks, still holding me firmly. 

I don’t have to think about it.

“I feel...good. Really good.” For the first time in days I don’t ache. It doesn’t hurt. I just float. 

“It’s the salt water. Here...” Finnick adjusts his arms and moves me until my body is floating on top of the water. The sun on my face and my chest and my sopping wet gown. I’m weightless. I feel his fingertips on my back and then they disappear. Everything disappears. The pain. The fear. Like I’m flying. 

I want to stay here forever. Floating.

I hear Mags cheer and look up at her. She’s glowing. She looks like I feel with the sunset reflecting on her. I straighten up and tread water, gently moving my legs under water but taking most of it in my arms, when I realize a Finnick is gone. 

“Finnick?” I call for him, moving around. He surfaces behind me and spits water into the air. 

“I just peed in that.” He laughs like he couldn’t care less. He is so strange to me, so different. So...the opposite of me in so many ways. Mags grabs his attention and moves her hands: that same fish in water motion followed by acting like she is shooting a bow. Finnick repeats the same motion while looking at me.

“Katniss.”

He moves to the ladder and braces his feet on it before reaching for me. I swim slowly into his arms. I wrap them around his neck and he pulls us into the dock as Mags presents us with towels. He holds me on his lap and we wrap up together.

“Feel ok?”

I nod yes...almost unable to believe how good I actually feel. My face isn’t throbbing but I do wonder what it looks like. 

Mags taps Finnick on the shoulder and points at the water, across the way. Two young boys are laughing and pointing at us, throwing shells in the water. One of them shouts for him and waves shyly. He eases me into the dock. My feet hanging in the water. I remind myself not to move them. In one swift movement he dives into the water. I scream as it splashes me. In what seems like an inhuman amount of time he surfaces across the bay in front of the two boys who immediately jump in and harass him. The three of them splash and play and take turns dunking each other. And I smile. I can’t help myself. 

Mags sits at my side, enjoying it as much as I do. She pats my leg.

“What a beautiful place to raise a family.”

I smile at her, imagining that life for Finnick. She returns a smile, but there is something uneasy about it. Sadness. She looks back at him and then pats my leg again before standing. She rubs her belly. And then disappears into the cottage. Whatever she is cooking smells amazing and I hope her sign means we will eat soon. 

I sit in the sun watching Finnick with the boys. I take in the channel, the small houses and fishing nets, the sun setting in the sky. I imagine what a life here would look like. I watch him in the water and I can see it for myself, too.

The idea of it all at once excites...and terrifies me. The idea of a future so very different from my own. With Finnick in it.


	11. Chapter 11

District Four

I’ve been in Four for only a week and already I can’t imagine ever leaving. I sit in my bed and write letters to my mother and Prim, to Gale. And all I can think is...I can never go back. Maybe they can come here. Maybe there is a way.

But what would it cost? From my bed I can see Finnick and Mags in the dock. I see him swim. The kids from Four are a constant. Sometimes he will send them to my window sill with treats or notes. They are so happy with him. And he is so happy with them.

Something unspoken has changed with Finnick and I. My heart races at his touch. He looks at me differently. And I know it’s not just that my face is healing. There’s something there now. Mags sees it. I catch her smiling at us. At him. The life they have created here has a space for me in it now and I love it. I wish I could run on the dock with him. With the kids of Four. But if pretending to still my legs means I can stay here, that is what I will do. 

Today I am reading a letter from Gale. He asks how my time is. How I feel. He fills me in on my mother and Prim. He tells me that Finnick has prepared a house for them here, if they can get permission to travel. That Haymitch is working on that. I wonder what that looks like. All of us...together.

I tuck it away and watch Finnick. Mags had brought him a basket of something to eat. And soon enough she appears in my room with a matching basket. It’s cornbread. She makes it frequently and I crave it. She stands by my bed watching him with me. One young girl stands with him on the dock and he is showing her how to bait a hook. 

“Mags can you take me out to them?” I ask and she anxiously agrees. She pulls my chair to the bed and I scoot into it, barely letting my legs help. She places the bread basket on my lap. 

“Do I....look ok?” I ask her. She has been giving me some of her clothes to wear. Lightweight shifts and dresses. Today’s is yellow. She helped me pull my hair into a ponytail. She blushes and smiles. She knows why I am asking. She moves her hand over my face, smiling, then holds it to her heart and smiles as she winks.

She pushes me into the warm evening air and Finnick turns when he hears the wheels in the boards. The little girl with him turns too. She takes his hand and they walk towards me. I’ve seen her before. She blows me a kiss before stealing a piece of my bread. Giggling.

“Get home. Your mom needs your help tonight, remember? Take the fish for her.” Finnick instructs her and she obeys immediately....running down the small path behind the houses towards the town at the end of the cove, carrying a net of fish over her shoulder. Finnick turns back to me. He smiles. 

“Want out of this chair?”

“Yes please.”

He stands and lifts me out. He eases me down onto the dock and sits beside me, the basket of bread between us. I hear Mags wheel my chair back to the house. I love the feel of my feet in the water but not splashing them takes a Herculean effort. Finnick brushes my foot with his. Several times. We smile at each other. 

“You look better every day...” he says lowly, and I smile, “you’ll be ready to get back to your family. You’re strong. We should have known it wouldn’t take long.”

He’s smiling but it’s empty. And he doesn’t look at me. My heart sinks. Can I tell him? Do I risk it? I’m distracted by the boys across the water. I smile to myself and pick at a piece of bread.

“The children here. They are so happy. I think about raising children in The Seam. What their futures hold....it’s just not...it wouldn’t be the same.”

“So change that future for them. You can do that.” He’s so matter of fact in his confidence in my ability, “Gale and your family want to come next week. Honestly though, you may be ready to head back to them soon.”

My fingers are shaking.

“I don’t want to leave, Finnick.” I whisper it softly. He stills and looks at me. I see his breathing change.

“I don’t want you to leave either.” He whispers. He leans towards me, hand on the dock, and I meet his effort. I press into him until our foreheads touch. It’s electric. I want him to kiss me. I need him to kiss me. Here, in this place. Where I know him. Where I finally see him. 

He pulls away. I almost fall into him.

“Finnick...”

He interrupts.

“Katniss... I promised Gale I’d take care of you. And I made him promise that he’d deserve all of this.”

I’m not sure what to say. My heart is throbbing. He knows how I feel.

“But...Finnick....”

“You can help him get there, Katniss. You just...you have to start telling him what you want. What you need. The way you can with me. He wants to give you those things. He loves you....so much.....”

There is a cadence in his voice that sounds forced. It catches in his throat like he wants to cry. Like he is convincing himself and not me. 

“Finnick. I love you.”

It comes out before I can stop it, mostly because I need him to stop trying to talk me out of it. I do love him. It’s grown deeper every second since we arrived here. And I can’t un-feel it. He stares at me. It’s warm but distant. He reaches for my face and runs his thumb over it. It’s pained. So pained.

“I....Katniss you know....”

I think I hold my breath. He doesn’t love me.

“You know you shouldn’t. This isn’t where you belong. Gale can give you the life I can’t. You....God, Katniss....”

I’m fighting tears and I know he doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry. I can’t love you. We need to get you back to your family. I’m sorry.”

He stands and leaves me there on the dock which breaks my heart in more ways than one. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t walk. I can’t think. 

He does everything for everyone. And I really let myself believe he loved me. But maybe he’s just really good at making people feel what they want to feel.

And what I feel is my heart...breaking.

I watch the water and weep.


	12. Chapter 12

District Four

The next morning, Mags is in my room when I wake. Not Finnick. He and I barely spoke at dinner. And he had helped me to bed most nights but last night he said he had something to take care of and Mags helped me instead. I asked her for something extra to help me sleep since I knew sleep would not come.

And this morning she is sad. She smiles gently at me, but it’s with a new layer of sympathy. I wonder if she knows. That I told him how I felt and he told me...how he didn’t. Because they seem to share everything I work under the assumption that she does. She quietly helps me dress, butters a piece of cornbread. Sits and has coffee with me. She never talks so the quiet feels normal. It’s usually just me trying to fill the air. But today I don’t. Finnick isn’t on the dock. He isn’t in the house. I haven’t seen him since dinner and it’s starting to trouble me.

“Mags...” I speak quietly, “did I...do something?”

She sits her tea down and rings her hands. She wants to use them to talk to me. But then she seems to think better of it. Until...

She makes her sign for Finnick: the fish that has her heart. And then she lifts her two fists together before forcing them apart. Her eyes look like sea glass as they brim with tears. I remember her making this sign to Haymitch. He’s not broken, he said.

“Finnick...is broken?” She blinks and tears roll over her cheeks as she nods yes, shaking an angry fist. I suspect I’m about to learn why. But we hear him at the door. It’s a small cottage so there isn’t much avoiding each other, and soon enough he is in the room. Mags stands and stares at him. Not her usually greeting. I find myself trying to force what now feels like unnatural eye contact.

“I spoke to Haymitch...” he starts, his voice unsure. I feel like I am hanging on his words, “he can come meet you tomorrow. We didn’t think you should travel alone but, agreed that it might be time to get you home.”

I want to choke. To cry. Two weeks. We had planned on eight. I am so confused my head is spinning.

“What did I do wrong? You were going to protect me here? You get to stay safe too. Finnick I’m sorry for what I said. I can stay. I can change.”

I’m flinging words into the air hoping that something sticks. I feel as weak and as vulnerable as I ever have. I can see him struggling to know what to say. Mags looks caught in crossfire and I hate that she is even having to witness this.

“Mags, can we have a minute?” He asks her and I am grateful. I notice she gently caresses his arm as she passes him before closing the door behind her.

“Why are you sending me back?”

“Because you belong with Gale.”

“You’re saying that because that’s what you want, not what I want....” I sit up in the bed, desperate to hold my ground.

“Remember what I told you? What we want doesn’t matter. It’s what we need that has to guide our choices now. And what you need is your family. You can’t stay here.”

I’m lightheaded.

“You deserve a life with Gale. Make him be that man that deserves you back...”

He’s growing intense and angry and determined and I can’t make it make sense. How it could all be in my head. Every touch. Every word. He can’t be that good at it. Can he?

“I want to make that life with you.”

I’m loud enough to pretend to be forceful even if my trembling body betrays me. Being that vulnerable does not sit well.

“I can’t give you the life Gale can. I don’t expect you to understand it....my life isn’t mine anymore....”

That’s it Finnick, keep talking. Don’t just retreat on me.

“I don’t care about the Capitol and what they’ve made you do. We can work to change that. You said it yourself. As long as I’m here you’re safe, too. Tell me you don’t love me. And I’ll go. Say it. But you told me. You said we can change the future. For us. For our children. We can do that....”

I am furiously spewing any string of words that I think might help me change his mind. At some point during my rant he has picked up a small sea glass vase of flowers that Mags had brought it. And as I am talking he sends it sailing across the room. I duck slightly as it flies past me and shatters on the wall. Glass and water everywhere. I scream.

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. This. All of this. You can change it. You can move forward. I can’t.”

I swing my legs to the side of the bed. Trying to gain footing literally, and figuratively. 

“Go home, Katniss. Please? Have your family. Live your life. Beat this thing.” 

I push my toes into the ground and force myself to stand. It doesn’t feel great and I know it’s a risk but at this point...I do not care.

“Tell me...you don’t love me...” I’m standing inches from him on shaky feet. My tears slowly streaming over my hot pink cheeks, “say it.”

He won’t. He stares at me. I see him. There’s laughter outside. From across the bay. We both look.

“See that?,” he asks, watching the boys play in the water. I follow his glance, “I can never give you that. Four is a great place to raise a family. Sure. But not for us. Not for me. Snow saw to that when he decided that I was going to be fucking anyone that could afford it. Too risky. So that? Out there? That’s not for me. It won’t ever be. Gale can give you something I can’t. And you deserve that.”

My knees buckle. Whether it’s the weight of my body for the first time in weeks or the impossible weight of what he has just told me. Finnick can’t have children and he won’t take that from me the way Snow took it from him. I start to fall and he catches me. I see the sadness on his face as he tries desperately to mask it. He grabs my back and I take his face in my hands. 

He makes sense. Horrible, heartbreaking sense.

“It doesn’t matter Finnick. I don’t need....I just want you.”

“I don’t love you. You need to go back to Twelve. I’m sorry if I mislead you.”

He places me down on the bed. And I can see he’s crying as he turns to leave. I hear him go out the front door. The clanging screen and the sound of children playing outside and there is not a blanket big enough in this moment for me to hide under to make this all go away. 

I whisper his name. And decide that, against my better judgement, I will return to Twelve. Even though I already feel uneasy calling it home.

Because he won’t be there.


	13. Chapter 13

District Twelve.

Three years later.

I wake up to the sun coming through my windows. They are open on a rare day when the weather is just right. Fall grows colder every day and threatens this blessing. I roll over and nuzzle into the tiny body in the crook of my arm. My daughter. Lark. She sucks a tiny thumb and presses into my side. I could lay for hours watching her.

I hear commotion downstairs and gently slip from under her, placing pillows around her as she continues to sleep. I tie a bathrobe on and pray there is already coffee in the kitchen. As I reach the downstairs I hear Gale fixing breakfast for Kai, our son. I turn the corner and both of my boys smile. I give Kai a kiss. I walk towards Gale and do the same. He winks at me and passes Kai a plate of toast.

“I need to go. Running late as usual. She still sleeping?” He plays at my hair as he talks before throwing his jacket on to head to the mines.

“She is. Please be careful today, ok? Just have...an uneasy feeling.” I hold his shoulders and he pulls me into a hug.

“Thanks for sharing, I hope you’re wrong.”

He kisses me softly. The way I have told him I like to be kissed. Gently, lovingly. He grabs a lunch, kisses Kai, and heads for the door.

“Dinner in the woods tonight. I’ll stop at The Hob and see what I can scare up. I love you.” He smiles as he pulls the door closed. He smiles a lot now. My husband. It’s still doesn’t feel real sometimes but I know it is.

“I love you, too.”

And I mean it. 

I sit and drink coffee with Kai, finishing his toast. The winter is closing in quickly now and the house is so cool I feel like I should light a fire. I question the picnic. But look forward to it anyway.

I let Kai down from his chair and we move to the fireplace with a pile of books. He bounces around effortlessly as I start a fire. 

“I’m going to go check on Lark. You look through these...” 

I kiss his head and move to the stairs when there is a knock at the door.

I peek through the window.

Haymitch.

I open the door and smile, but I can tell this visit is not a pleasant one.

“Can I come in, sweetheart?” I scoot aside and my stomach drops. Kai runs to him and Haymitch scoops him into a hug.

“Haymitch? What is it?”

He eases Kai down and he runs back to his books.

“Let’s go sit down.”

I freeze. 

“No. Tell me.”

I feel my breath and my heart race. It can’t be Gale I just saw him. But something has Haymitch worried and that isn’t easy to do.

“Katniss...I wanted you to hear it from me before you saw it come in from The Capitol,” he takes my hand and I feel ill, “Mags passed away this morning.”

His words echo in my ears and I suddenly wish I had sat down. He helps me to a chair. 

Mags. Sweet Mags.

“What...what happened?” I can barely get the words out.

“Ahhh it was just her time, kid. She has been sick. Finnick was caring for her. He was with her when she died.”

Finnick. Oh, Finnick. 

“Can...will....can you watch Kai?” 

He nods as I stand and carefully take the stairs back up, clinging to the railing. I get to the top and reach the bath. I collapse onto the floor. I’m overwhelmed. I weep for Mags. For myself. 

But mostly for the boy she left behind.

The boy who I haven’t seen in three years. Who never told me she was sick. Who sent notes of congratulations to my wedding and the birth of my two children but never came to any of it. The boy who, even in my husband’s arms, fills most of my waking and sleeping hours. The boy who is now...utterly alone.

And I decide in that moment that I will be on the next train to District Four.


	14. Chapter 14

District Four

Walking off the train in as plain of clothes that I could find feels worlds away from the last time I arrived here. But the sights and smells and sounds haven’t changed. I don’t call for a car, instead I decide to take my time walking through the small fishing town. Enjoying it the way Mags would have. I keep my head down and sling my backpack over one shoulder as I walk through the wharfs and by the piers. It’s not all that unlike Twelve. Tiny carts with fish. People bartering for food. But sea salt in the air still warms me even if the air is much cooler than it was the last time I was here. 

I notice pictures of Mags in some storefronts with fresh flowers and sea grass wreaths. These people are mourning their Victor and matriarch. And I wish I could have seen her just one last time. I push past the end of town and can see the small line of Victor’s cottages. Just like I left them. The small blue one is about halfway down the bay and I spot his frame immediately. He wears a heavy peacoat in the cold air but his pants are rolled up past his knees and his bare feet dangle off the edge of the dock in what has to be frigid water.

I walk slowly towards him along the sand path that lines the shore between the docks. I pause as I reach his because he hasn’t noticed me yet. I stop on the sand, knowing he will hear me on the boards, so I take my heavy boots off and roll my pants up before carefully walking towards him. I sit down beside him and try not to react as I slip my feet into the cool water. I pull my bag off and sit it behind us.

He doesn’t move.

We sit in silence for awhile. I appreciate the fact that I can wiggle my toes and move my feet like flippers now without the fear of giving away any secrets. I let my foot brush his. A few times. Before I feel him move his back against mine, our toes playing at each other’s in the water.

“You come all this way to go to the bathroom?” I chuckle and turn to see him smile to himself.

“I came all this way for you.” I whisper to him. He looks gaunt. Beautiful and dark with haunting green eyes that have filled my head for three years, but smaller somehow. I reach into my backpack and pull out a tied up package. I hand it to him. He unties it and smiles as he opens it on his lap.

“Cornbread.” He cocks a sideways grin.

“I insisted she give me her recipe when I left. I make it all the time. I thought you might be missing it. And...you look like you need to eat.”

He runs his fingers over it and thanks me, but doesn’t eat. He sits it between us. I keep trying.

“I’m so glad you were here for her. That they let you stay.”

He nods slightly at my words.

“You know the funny thing about Snow? When he realizes you have nothing left to live for...he decides to let you live.”

He breaks my heart. Like only he can. I face the water, unsure of what to say. We sit in silence for awhile. Until I can’t stand it.

“Haymitch sends his love. They wouldn’t let us both come.”

“Thank him for me. Mags loved him. I could never figure out why....” we both smile, “and Gale? Your family? Everyone is well?” I wish it felt easy about answering his question but it’s thick with guilt.

“They are. Gale wanted you to know he was thinking about you. The babies are fine. Wonderful actually. I wish they could see a place like this. I can’t even imagine Kai in this kind of water. He would spend all day in muddy puddles if we let him.” I’m laughing and smiling and picturing him splashing the way the boys across the bay used to. I can’t bring myself to look at Finnick.

“Maybe you could bring them someday.”

I turn to him and our eyes meet. Intensely but sadly. Whatever that thing was the ebbed and flowed between us is still there. You can almost see it, hear it...feel it.

“What will you do now?” I ask him lowly, staring at him.

He looks away from me and out over the bay to where it means the ocean. 

“Sail. I can’t stay here. So I’ll just...go.”

“Finnick....” he turns to me quickly. Suddenly almost.

“I love you.” He says. 

And then there is silence. The words fly from him like he was afraid to not let them go. And I don’t know what to say.

“I need to say it now because I know I made you feel different. And I know I let so many moments pass when I could have told you. And I’m sorry. But I loved you the first time I saw you. And I knew I could never have you. I don’t want you to feel bad or worry about me...because the life you are living now is exactly what I wanted for you. Exactly.”

I start crying. A good, healthy cry that has been three years in the making.

“I wanted you.....” I say to him. With every fiber of my being I mean it.

“You know how I feel about the things we want...”

He smiles longingly. And he stands from the dock, tucking his hands into his pockets and walks the long boards back to the cottage.

He doesn’t ask me to but I follow.

When I get into the cottage it’s like nothing has changed. Finnick is in the room that used to be mine. He’s taken his coat off and laid it across the chair that he used to sit in and watch me sleep. He slumps down onto the bed. 

I take my coat off and leave it on a chair by the kitchen table. Where Mags would sit and laugh to herself as Finnick and I would play argue over whatever dinner she had made for us.

I walk into the bedroom and watch him sit. 

“She missed you, you know? Right up til the day she died. She wanted you here.” 

He speaks and then mimics her hand sign for me: a fish, a shooting bow.

I make her sign for him: a fish and...her heart.

I see him pushing back tears as he hangs his head and I step between his knees. I wrap my hands around the back of his head and he throws his around my waist. I let him cry into me as I hold him, staring out the window at the boys across the bay. Older now, but still looking towards the house like they are waiting for him to surface. I cradle him against me knowing there is nothing I can say to ease his pain. And being acutely aware that I may actually make it worse. I want to tell him. That I have never stopped loving him. That I have ached to hold him. That I wept both times I found out I was pregnant...not because I wasn’t happy but because I knew they wouldn’t have his green eyes. That I would give it all up to stay here with him forever.

But who does that help? Because I know what he will say. He will send me home to Gale. 

I feel him release slightly and I let his head go. I round the bed and pull the drapes on either side of the bright window closed. He turns on the bed to watch me. I don’t walk back around it, but I crawl over it until I am beside him. He ropes his arm around my neck and we lay back into the bed together. I curl into his side and he turns slightly towards me. 

How do we do this? Knowing how we feel and powerless to live it. 

“I know how you feel about the things we want,” I whisper, my eyes on the ceiling, “but what if I told I need something from you?”

He leans up slightly, propping on an elbow. I lean up slightly and kiss him, gently at first. That heat and hesitation building familiarly between us until it disappears completely. He folds himself over me and covers me. I thread my arms though his until they find the soft surface of his back. He opens his mouth on mine and we kiss deeply. So deeply. Like our lives depend on it because maybe they do. He’s soft and smooth, like a wave, his body gently rolling over mine until I feel light headed from the feel of something I have desperately craved for years. 

But because he is Finnick I keep waiting for him to retreat. To change his mind. To hate me for what I’ve done and haven’t done. I cling to him against it. Hoping to myself that this is the time he won’t turn away from what we are feeling. And because now I know, I’m going to fight for him even if he won’t. 

I feel him lower his weight onto me and I accept him, dropping my knees and opening my lower body beneath him. He breaks our kiss for a moment and I panic, but he just catches his breath and then looks down on me for a moment. 

“You’re sure?” He asks, barely any sound to his voice. 

“I need you.” I respond without an ounce of questioning. I do. I need him. 

He fumbles with his zipper between us and I lift my hips to pull my pants down. I only get them pushed to my ankles when I feel his cock hard against me. He pulls my panties to the side. We have wasted enough time.He runs his thumb over my clit as I feel him cautiously move to enter me. I lift up into him like I don’t have another second to wait. The urgency of him being fully dressed and me barely getting my clothes out of the way make me need him even more.

“Finnick, please....”

He slides gently into me with a smooth movement that is so...different. It’s calming even in its urgency, and he arches back from me as he moans. I reach for him and tangle my fingers in the hair on the back of his head, needing him closer. He moves a hand up and into my shirt, grabbing and my breasts as he picks up his speed inside me. It’s clumsy and hurried and desperate and perfect.He leans into me and we are kissing again. Whispering I love you’s to each other urgently. I cry for him, losing myself in the feel of him inside me. I need him. So badly. More than I realized until this moment when he is truly with me. 

He picks up his pace and gently rolls us until I am on top of him. It helps me free my pants from my legs if not my underwear. But he doesn’t seem to mind it.

I push against his chest and lift myself up and down on him. It’s never been this way with Gale and I wonder if Finnick knows that...and that’s why he’s giving it to me. I ride him in some strange mix of intensity and laziness. He lifts off the bed to meet my thrusts and with one of them, he pulls against me until he is sitting up with me on his lap. I wrap myself around him, leaving no space. I press my face against his and without kissing, we are nuzzling our noses, cheeks, mouths. I hear him gritting his teeth in his mouth.

“Don’t hold back...” I whisper, I can feel it in his body and the tension in his arms. He doesn’t want to let go.

“I don’t want this to end...” he moans it to me like a prayer. I take his face in my hands and kiss him gently.

“It won’t end.” I whisper. 

“I love you.” His eyes glaze over slightly as he says it but he doesn’t take them off of me as I feel him coming inside me. I hold him. As tight as I can. His eyes fight to stay locked in mine and he’s looking through me. I feel myself climax around him, my body pulling him into me, starving...desperate to keep him there...deeper and deeper as he fills me. We shudder together. I tell him how much I love him and I know he knows. He leans against my collarbone as he comes down, moaning a hot breath against my skin. It’s only now that I resent all of the clothing between us.

He leans back into the bed, pulling me into him. He slips lazily from me and once he does my underwear return to their place. He reaches between us and adjusts until his pants are covering him as well. We lay there. Staring at the ceiling. He plays in my hair and I reach into his shirt and hold his chest as I feel his breathing calm. It strikes me in this moment, that I should feel guilty. That I’m unfaithful to Gale.

But my whole life with Gale has felt unfaithful to Finnick and this is the first time anything feels...right.

“How long can you stay?” He whispers, and I can hear in his tone that he is already nervous about the answer.

I inhale, wishing my answer were different.

“I leave tomorrow. It’s all they would give me. I’m so sorry...” 

I feel him inhale. And exhale.

“Your family needs you.”

“You’re my family, too...” I sit up to hold his eyes. I stroke his face. He’s sad. He’s so sad. I’ve done this to him. He forces a smile. 

“I know. You’re mine, too.”

“I should have stayed here. I should have never gone back.” I’m fighting tears and he moves himself from under me. He sits on the side of the bed and runs his hands through his hair.

“You and I both know that’s not true. Maybe...in another world, Katniss....”

“Please don’t go...please stay here....”

I sense him getting ready to make his exit. But he listens. He hears me. He lays back down gently and I lay right on him like I am pinning him to the bed. I press my ear to his chest and listen to his heart. It’s calm. It lulls me to sleep. I will love him, and that heart, forever.

I wake hours later to an empty bed. 

I stir slowly, expecting to find him in the kitchen. He isn’t there. I check the dock. He’s not there. 

I walk outside. He’s nowhere to be found. One of the boys across the water is throwing shells into the water. I walk towards the end of the dock and try to get his attention. He sees me and waves. He points out to the sea and I see him. The sails of his small boat. Far at sea. Much to far for me to follow or even scream for. And getting smaller by the minute. I feel a lump in my throat I can’t ignore. I lean on the dock rail and notice something in my fingers. A small note, tied intricately with a piece or rope around the pole. I fight back tears as I untie it and flip it over to read.

** Katniss,  **

** We will find each other again someday. You’ll always be my family.  **

** Thank you for the cornbread. **

** Finnick. **

I notice the wrapped loaf I had left on the dock is gone. I smile to myself and twist his note in my fingers as I watch his boat disappear over the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sad ending to this tale. May have a second part in me at some point...so stay tuned. But hope you enjoyed it thus far!
> 
> 🌊 💔 🌲


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